Ex-Priests Make Strange Bedfellows

Season 20, Episode 61

First aired 24 March 2016

It’s the morning after the Cois Tine, and a very hung over David wakes up in an unfamiliar bed, decorated in shades of pink and pinker. He has no idea where he is until he sees a photo of Bobbi-Lee on the nightstand, which is of course a hilarious 8 x 10 glossy of her in a cowgirl hat looking saucily over her shoulder. This makes him realize he didn’t spend the night in his own bed, because at his house, there’s an 8 x 10 glossy of himself in a cowgirl hat looking saucily over his shoulder by the bed. He starts to get up and discovers he’s in his boxers, and the whole time he looks like an increasingly confused Fred Flintstone who’s just woken up on Betty Rubble’s rock.

As we move from sexy to sexier, Jason wakes up to find a pleased-looking Katy watching him sleep, which is one of those things you can get away with in the early stages of a relationship, but after you’ve been together a while you wake up to find your partner staring at you and are like, “What?!?”, and he or she replies, “You’ve got a really long hair coming out of your nose.” This is what you have to look forward to, Katy and Jason. They compliment each other cutely on how sexy the previous night’s sex was, and fortunately before we can throw up too much, Cuán starts crying and Jason goes to fetch him. Katy smiles sweetly at first, but then wistfully, and what this scene really needs is a photo of Bobbi-Lee in a cowgirl hat by the bed.

At the ongoing skip that is Mo’s home, Micheál is telling Mack and Eoin what an amazing time they missed at the Cois Tine, especially the part where Bobbi-Lee got angry at David for hijacking her song. He’s leaving out the part where Bobbi-Lee got angry at Berni for hijacking her Tiarnán. Mack asks where David spent the night, which means I guess they live together (?), and Micheál says he’s not sure, but the last time he saw him, he was being carried to the bedroom by Bobbi-Lee and Pádraig. About this time, Mo shows up and notes that the not-doing-any-work seems to be continuing, and I wonder if Irish has an equivalent of the English expression “You get what you pay for.” They tell her they’re waiting for David, and that John Joe is taking the day off, and Mo presents Laoise, whom I’d forgotten existed, as today’s supervisor/warden. Mo leaves them in her capable hands, and of course as she leaves, they all place their orders for snacks and then laugh at how clever they are.

Back at Bobbi-Lee’s, David is hurriedly getting dressed when Berni shows up with a cup of tea. She warns him that if he wants to take a shower he’d better get in there before Bobbi-Lee, who always takes forever. Well, that’s because she has to wash each color of her hair separately. David looks confused and awkward—I mean even more than usual—and Berni complains that she didn’t get a wink of sleep because of Bobbi-Lee’s snoring. David says he didn’t hear it, and Berni knowingly, i.e. priggishly, says he must’ve been really out of it because of his shenanigans last night, wink wink. David says he hopes he and Bobbi-Lee weren’t too loud with their, you know, and Berni momentarily considers correcting his misunderstanding before deciding she can have some fun by fanning the flames. She strings David along a bit before leaving him with an alarmed “I’m too young to be a father!” look on his face.

Out in the street, Jason and Katy run into Pádraig, whom the subtitles think is named Padraic this week, and Jason scolds him for not being in the restaurant. Pádraig explains that they’re out of fivers because Jason forgot to go to the bank for change. Jason apologizes, and he and Katy finish each other’s sentences and have heart-shaped eyes, and Pádraig clearly does not have the time or the stomach for this nonsense and leaves. Straight people, ugh. Jason tells Katy that he’s booked them into a hotel tonight and given them both the day off tomorrow, because hotel sex is the sexiest sex. Also because hotels sometimes have satellite TV. They’re cute some more, and really, enough.

David is still staggering around Berni and Bobbi-Lee’s, but at least he’s dressed now, so it’s less uncomfortable for all of us. Bobbi-Lee notes that he finally found his trousers, and she’s wearing the lacy pink Victoria’s Secret thing and robe that she unsuccessfully tried to entrap Tiarnán with the other day. I’m imagining how different this episode would unfold if it had been Tiarnán who woke up pantsless in Bobbi-Lee’s bed. Evan notes that David had a good night last night, and Berni tells Bobbi-Lee she should make David a nice breakfast since he must be starving, wink wink, and Bobbi-Lee gives her a “What you talkin’ ‘bout, Willis?” side-eye as David explains that he’s got to go help the lads at Mo’s. He makes a big production out of leaving, and then gives Bobbi-Lee a big hug, and her WTF expression is one of the most priceless things I’ve ever seen on this show. He volunteers that he’ll call her later, and she looks like she’s fallen into a parallel universe where up is down and white is black and Fia is fashionable. He leaves, and Bobbi-Lee asks Berni and Evan why the hell he’s going to be calling her later, and Berni is very pleased with herself because this is the most fun she’s had since that time she and Tiarnán drank half a glass of wine.

At Mo’s, which is painted a shade I think Colortrend calls “Hideous Puce,” Laoise is yelling at someone on the phone, and then explains to the lads, who are of course sitting around doing eff all, that the skip won’t arrive until 2 o’clock. They all helpfully and elaborately explain to her that they can’t possibly do any work until then, and besides, they think they’ve developed repetitive-stress injuries from scratching their arses. David shows up, and Laoise leaves, because she has had it with this nonsense, and the lads start ribbing him about where he slept last night. He asks them to guess, and so Eoin guesses Berni, Micheál guesses Bobbi-Lee, and Mack guesses Evan. Clearly Pól Ó Griofa won the coin toss to have the best line in this scene. David smugly announces that Micheál won the contest, and of course no one can believe it. Apparently David was absent from priest school the day they learned about not kissing and telling. Or, in this case, not throwing up in a trashcan and passing out.

At the shop, Pádraig corners Katy and asks her when she and Jason are going to admit they’re totally bamming each other. Katy tells him he needs to get a life, and I would agree. He’s like, “I have nothing and am living vicariously through you, so tell me about the sex, but instead of you and Jason, make it about Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman.” She denies everything, and we pan over to Micheál, John Joe, and Berni, who are gossiping about David and Bobbi-Lee. Tadhg appears from behind a coffee pot because there is scandal to be had, and points out that a woman would have to be really desperate to sleep with a priest, and there are a number of inappropriate jokes I could make here, but I don’t want to start getting angry encyclicals from the Catholic Church. Now half the village is in the shop for this discussion, and Berni fans the flames some more and looks very pleased with herself.

Outside, John Joe is telling Katy he’s on his way to meet Dee in the café, and Katy offers to join them, and while I appreciate the “Sisters Are Doing It For Themselves” thing going on between Katy and Dee right now, I hope they’ll get back to hating each other soon. John Joe asks her to stay away, because he’s playing Cupid and has arranged for Mack to show up. Then there’s a moment of confusion in which Katy thinks her dad has found out about her and Jason, but it turns out he’s talking about David and Bobbi-Lee, and you can tell Katy’s not herself because instead of making gagging and retching faces, she’s all sunny and “Oh, right, they’re not suited at all, hee hee!”

Bobbi-Lee shows up for work at the pub, and Tadhg greets her as “Wobbily Lee,” which I have to admit is pretty funny. He sings a song that the subtitles don’t help me with, but since it doesn’t sound like “I’m Gonna Sex You Up,” I assume it’s an old Irish folk song about a priest and a cowgirl that probably ends with one of their boats sinking in a storm. Tadhg gets her to say things that everyone can misconstrue and laugh about, and she’s clueless for a bit, but then he suddenly turns on her and calls her a floozy, and tells her he’s not paying her to go bonk David, and she’s horrified, and everyone laughs. She realizes what’s going on, and flies out of the pub in a cloud of sequins and rhinestones to go straighten this mess out, and tells them all to go frig themselves while they’re at it.

After the break, John Joe and Dee are having tea or sashimi or something in the café when Mack shows up. He says he doesn’t want to interrupt them so he’ll go, but then Dee says no, she’ll go, et cetera. She goes to sit on a stool at the counter and starts writing on some papers, and she’s one troll pencil-topper away from looking like a teenager doing her math homework. Mack asks John Joe how she’s doing, and he says the one good thing that’s come out of all this is that the family is getting along a lot better. Yes, Dee hasn’t found a single horse head in her bed all week!

In the street, Bobbi-Lee is asking Berni if she’s the one who’s been spreading lies, and Berni acts like butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth, and says David himself is the culprit. Bobbi-Lee makes it clear that Dee’s next assignment might be the Case of the Dead Semi-Priest, but Berni points out that David’s an idiot, but not a liar, so if he’s telling this story, he must think it’s true. Bobbi-Lee insists there’s no way she would ever sleep with David, because his clothes are terrible. Snerk. Berni is all, “Gabh mo leithscéal, I dated David for a while!”, and Bobbi-Lee is like, “Well, yeah, but you have no standards.” Berni gets all offended, and Bobbi-Lee tells her she knows she had something to do with this rumor, but sadly she storms off and deprives us of the opportunity to see her rip the tea cozy off Berni’s head and shove it down her throat.

Back at Mo’s, John Joe has shown up to work, but everyone else has disappeared, and then Bobbi-Lee thunders in and runs poor Mo out of her own scene. Mo just can’t catch a break these days. Bobbi-Lee is out for David’s blood, and John Joe says he thinks David went home. We cut to David on the street carrying a bouquet of flowers, and Máire stops him and asks if they’re for his mother, and he’s basically like, “No, they’re for this chick I’m banging,” and it’s all just gotten way too real for Máire, so she wanders away all bobble-headed and stricken.

Back in the café, Katy is reassuring Dee that things will work out with Mack if she just gives it time, but Dee thinks she’s messed things up too badly. Dee changes the subject and asks Katy to tell her about her new man, and when Katy plays dumb, Dee points out that she’s had a grin like the Cheshire cat and tells her to spill it. They’re interrupted by Katy’s phone ringing, and it’s bad news from the fertility clinic: her eggs didn’t take. Dee tries to comfort her by telling her she can try again, but Katy looks sadly into the middle distance and says she’s sick and tired of this.

Outside the pub, John Joe, Eoin, and Micheál are having a laugh about how this David/Bobbi-Lee thing is getting better and better, and they start to head inside to watch the fireworks when Mo stops them and asks them where they think they’re going. Eoin makes an adorable and hilarious “Uhh, to the pub?” gesture, and Mo tells them she’s decided she’s giving them all the sack and buying a round to thank them for their, uhh, hard work. They head inside, where they find David all dressed up and holding his flowers, waiting for Bobbi-Lee, and it would be sweet if this weren’t all so insane.

Everyone’s giving David shit, and Tadhg notes that David always seems to have a woman hanging off him, rattling off a list of names that ends with “Wobbily Lee.” Okay, Tadhg, it was funny the first time. He asks how Bobbi-Lee was in the sack, and David jumps in to defend her honor, saying she’s a lady, and just then, said lady comes flying in the door and lays into him. He apologizes, saying he’ll keep their private sexing-up private from now on, and hands her the flowers, and she’s like, “Gurrrl, get a grip!” She tells him there’s nothing between them, and he’s confused and asks if it was just a one-night stand, and she snaps that it was actually a no-night stand. Hee. The Greek chorus behind them laughs, and David looks confused and sheepish.

At the café, Katy and Jason are having a serious conversation, which you can tell because they’ve shifted from Happy Care Bears to Sad Care Bears. She’s about to tell him she can’t have children, but then chickens out and tells him she doesn’t want to go to the hotel tonight because she’s tired.

Back at the pub, David is still trying to figure out what the hell happened, and asking Bobbi-Lee how he ended up in her bed with no trousers. Everyone is still laughing at this, because he doesn’t have the sense to suggest they move the conversation somewhere more private, such as Bobbi-Lee’s bed. She explains that she took them off him because they’re too tight because he’s gained so much weight, which seems a little unnecessary, and she tells him to trust her, if he’d spent the night with her, he’d know it. Right, his loins would still be smoldering, like the last days of Pompeii.

Katy and Jason are playing with Cuán, and there is baby talk and cuteness, and even Cuán is like, “Enough already.” He spends most of the scene looking up and trying to grab the boom that’s just out of the frame, like every baby on every TV show ever. I kept waiting for him to call Katy “Mummy,” but thank God he doesn’t, so I thank you for not going there, show. Anyway, this goes on for about twenty-seven minutes, and finally the scene ends with Katy looking serene and maternal.

Next time: Katy, whom you’ll recall has spent the last two weeks wanting to tell everyone about her and Jason, is now telling him she doesn’t want to tell anyone because she’s afraid they’ll accuse her of jumping into Lee’s bed before her body was even cold. Also maybe TG4 will hold a contest in which the viewers get to vote on whose bed David will wake up pantsless in next.