My Imaginary Boyfriend Went to a Cois Tine and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt

Season 20, Episode 60

First aired 22 March 2016

It’s the day of the Cois Tine, and Bobbi-Lee appears to be bedazzling a pair of snakeskin boots so they’ll match her outfit. Because, I guess, her outfit is … Wild West Pimp? I don’t even know. She reminds Berni that she’s meeting her frenemy Suzanne Somebody, to whom she was spewing a bunch of lies last week about how famous and constantly sexed-up she is. Berni tells her she can always buy a new pair of shoes and throw those old boots in a bin—preferably one several counties over—and Bobbi-Lee points out that if she had any money, she would. She mentions that she deserves a reward for finding Cathal’s will because rewards are a thing, and she presents into evidence a TV show she saw this one time, which she is probably making up, and if you were watching last week, you’ll recall that Bobbi-Lee always has a vaguely remembered TV show ready to prove her point. Through her pursed lips, Berni asks if Bobbi-Lee is seriously asking for a finder’s fee for something she found while snooping, and of course Bobbi-Lee is like, “Uhh, yeah.” So Berni appears to present Bobbi-Lee with a new designer handbag, but it turns out she’s bought the bag for herself, and she is actually giving Bobbi-Lee something much smaller and cheaper. I can’t tell what it is, but it looks like a 3-pack of blank VHS tapes, so that’s what I’m going to say it is.

Out in the street, Evan’s trying to get cash out of the ATM while Mo tells him that the lads are doing some work on her new house for her, i.e., trying to make it look less like someplace where one of Queen Victoria’s maids died. As usual, Evan is halfway listening, and then gets mad because the machine eats his card without giving him any cash, so Mo announces she’ll just get cash back at the shop, and we’re all satisfied with the resolution of this dramatic tale of microeconomics. Just then Máire appears and complains that she can barely keep her eyes open because Nollaig, who I guess we’re not going to call Liam II after all, kept her up all night, and that Fia is useless, which is news to no one.

Back at their place, Berni flies into the room to tell Bobbi-Lee she wasn’t put on this earth to pick up after her, but she’s on the phone with Suzanne, telling her how sorry her imaginary boyfriend is that he won’t be able to imaginarily join them for lunch today. Bobbi-Lee hangs up and tells Berni that she won’t have to make excuses for a pretend boyfriend much longer because she’s invited Tiarnán to the party and will obviously trap him in her web there. Yes, because he gave you such unmistakable “come hither” signals last week, such as, err, knowing your name. Berni snootily reminds Bobbi-Lee that it’s not a party, it’s a Cois Tine, and so there’s going to be no fun to be had whatsoever if she has any say in the matter. Bobbi-Lee agrees with everything except the part where Berni said things, and by the way, it’s going to be all tequila and stripping. She tells Berni maybe she’ll even find herself a man, and Berni says there’s more to life than being glued to a man, just as Evan, to whom she is glued, shows up. He says he needs some cash since the machine ate his card, and she tells him to use the café’s card, and gives him the PIN, 2150. He jokes that he’ll be able to remember it, because 21 is his age and 50 is Berni’s, hee. Actually I have no idea how old any of these people are supposed to be.

Katy and Jason are in bed, but they’re mostly dressed, and we can tell that nothing’s gone on except chaste cuddling and perhaps reading a Garfield comic to each other. There is giggling, and she whispers in his ear that she’s ready for them to do things to each other’s parts, but then she sees the time and they realize they’ve overslept. Cuán has, I guess, gotten up and made himself breakfast.

Back at her place, Bobbi-Lee is amusingly practicing saying, “He’s a doctor!” in the mirror, trying to find the perfect balance of nonchalance and “suck on this, Suzanne.” Evan returns with the ATM card and asks where Berni’s bag is, so Bobbi-Lee points it out to him as she models her smart all-black outfit. There’s bluegrass music playing in the background, because wherever Bobbi-Lee goes becomes a small, mobile branch of the Grand Ole Opry. She picks up her bag, which is a fringed leopard print monstrosity that a 1980s hooker would turn up her nose at, and she realizes it doesn’t go with her outfit at all, so she of course helps herself to Berni’s new bag and heads out the door.

At a garage or petrol station or somewhere, Máire has dropped by so she can complain some more to Mo about what a hussy Bobbi-Lee is. Mo is only semi-interested, and eventually Máire leaves to go spread her sunshine somewhere else, and Mo announces to David and the other lads that she’ll have sandwiches for them later if they do a good job hauling off all the old trash. I really do not understand where they are in relation to Mo’s place, but OK. Micheál makes a point out of yelling instructions to someone named Caoimhín, who’s on a training program or something at the petrol station, and I wonder if this Caoimhín is a character we’ll see again or if he’s just some contest winner or something.

At Gaudi, Bobbi-Lee is asking Pádraig to act star-struck around her when her dear friend Suzanne, whom she hates, shows up momentarily, because that will really rub Suzanne’s face in it. Oh, but don’t let Suzanne order anything expensive off the menu, because Bobbi-Lee’s not paying for this heifer to have a nice lunch. Snerk. Just then Suzanne walks in, and we can instantly tell she is a piece of work. Imagine Edina from Absolutely Fabulous as played by Anna Wintour. Bobbi-Lee immediately starts telling Suzanne how busy and famous she is, and how she’s constantly hounded by fans, and that she’s about to embark on a tour of the States. With the reanimated corpse of Tammy Wynette and a hologram of the Beatles opening for her. She stops herself because, she explains, she’s really not supposed to say much about it due to the contract, and Suzanne snots that this secrecy must be why she hasn’t heard anything about it. Oh, the shade!

Bobbi-Lee calls Pádraig over and orders a bottle of Prosecco, but he says they don’t have any, so Suzanne says they should order the best champagne instead, since Bobbi-Lee is such a star. You can see crying euro signs in Bobbi-Lee’s eyes. She shows off “her” new designer handbag, and Suzanne takes it to admire it, but just then Berni shows up and so Bobbi-Lee hilariously yanks it out of Suzanne’s hands and hides it under the table. Berni comes over to say hi, and Suzanne is of course awful, and invites Berni to join them, but she’s like, “That sounds great, except I don’t want to!” She leaves, and Bobbi-Lee whips out her “He’s a doctor!” line to Suzanne, and then shoots her a look that says, “Eat it, bitch.” They really are like a couple of shady drag queens together.

John Joe and Micheál appear at Mo’s because they’re hungry and need a break, to her dismay, and then David shows up covered in filth, and when Mo asks him why he stinks, he’s like, “Uhh, because I fell in the septic tank? Duh!” The lads settle in and make themselves comfortable, and Mo is annoyed.

Bobbi-Lee and Awful Suzanne are wrapping up their lunch, and Suzanne tells Bobbi-Lee she’s a music promoter now (she waited till they were putting on their coats to say this?). She’s got a gig Bobbi-Lee would be perfect for, but it probably wouldn’t work out what with Bobbi-Lee’s upcoming tour of America and also the outer planets, but Bobbi-Lee assures her that things are flexible. She picks up the tab, and her eyes bug out at the bill, so she fumbles around in her bag and TOTALLY SURPRISINGLY produces Berni’s ATM card from earlier in the episode. Because, of course, you should never show the audience a gun in the first act unless somebody’s going to get shot with it in the second one. After the break, there is a big production of Bobbi-Lee not remembering Berni’s PIN, but then she does, and it all seems rather pointless.

Evan is finishing up a Skype with Vanessa (!) as Berni and Bobbi-Lee return home at the same time, and there is confusion over where Berni’s ATM card is, but fortunately Berni is busy playing the martyr over how messy the place is, which gives Bobbi-Lee an opportunity to produce the bag from “the other room.” She also starts pulling bottles of wine and booze out of her shopping bag, which she has obviously paid for with Berni’s card.

At the shop, Mo is buying sandwich fixings and complaining to Pádraig that the lads, whom she’s not paying, have spent more time eating sandwiches than they have working. He can’t believe they’re working for free, and tells her the least she can do is stop by Gaudi and get them a decent takeaway dinner rather than giving them a bunch of cheap-ass sandwiches. Mo agrees that they deserve better than she’s been giving them, and decides to put back the sandwich stuff.

And now, Cois Tine: Bobbi-Lee Edition! John Joe and the lads show up announcing that all their hard work and sandwich-eating have made them thirsty. They load Bobbi-Lee down with their coats, which is way too close to manual labor for her liking, and while she’s trying to decide which window to chuck them out, there’s another knock at the door and she drops them on the kitchen floor. It’s Tiarnán, of course, so now the Three’s Company hijinks can really begin. She welcomes him to Ros na Rún’s first-ever tequila party, and he seems confused by the word “tequila,” like the other week when Bobbi-Lee had to explain “craic” to Berni. She takes his coat and offers him a tour of the place, which she makes clear will start with the kitchen and end with her ladyparts. I hope he pays the extra €2 for the headset for the audio tour. Before they begin, she offers him a choice of margarita or Long Island iced tea, but then Berni butts in with a third option, a boring bottle of wine from the lush vineyards of Galway, and Tiarnán goes for that. Berni sends an annoyed Bobbi-Lee off to pour tequila for the lads, and as she pours him a glass of wine, she thanks him for bringing over Cathal’s box (hee) and tells him about the will. He’s very excited for her, which you can tell because he leans forward slightly, and then we cut to Bobbi-Lee, who is shooting daggers at them. She looks great, with her hair up like Adele, except an Adele who would kick your ass in the street. So, like regular Adele.

It’s after-hours at Gaudi, and Katy is doing some paperwork or a Sudoku or something when Jason sneaks up behind her and grabs her, which she didn’t like last week, but now that they are in love, it makes her giggle and kiss him. Pádraig appears from the restroom to announce he’s leaving, and so of course Katy and Jason awkwardly have to pretend nothing is going on between them, and you can imagine the silliness. Pádraig is like, “Straight people are crazy,” and leaves for the Cois Tine.

Mo shows up at the worksite with a big bag of takeaway for the lads, but of course they’re gone. Mo is giving Mack a run for the sad sack title these days.

At Berni’s, said lads are still doing tequila shots, and by now David the lightweight is falling all over the place and can barely stand up. This is why it’s better to build up your tolerance by being a priest at a church that serves communion tequila. Berni and Tiarnán are still talking in the kitchen, and she’s telling him that even though Caitríona is a total cow, she does think that sharing her story has helped with the healing process, and you can tell from his expression that he’s glad, or possibly gassy. Even though I don’t feel like I have any idea what makes him tick, I do enjoy Tiarnán, and find him oddly attractive in an Easter Island head kind of way. Just then Bobbi-Lee shows up with Pádraig in tow and announces that they all need to do a shot, which they do, and everybody gags and makes sick faces and vomit noises except Bobbi-Lee, who has a hollow leg and can drink them all under the table. She sends Berni and Pádraig away on errands so she can make her moves on Tiarnán, who looks a little frightened. I mean even more than usual. He asks if she’s going to sing a song for them, and she hems and haws and says maybe, and then suddenly strolls into the middle of the room singing at full volume, as one does. You expect a spotlight to appear and possibly a microphone to drop down from the ceiling. Unfortunately David and the other lads join in drunkenly and completely drown her out, and she is irritated.

At the pub, Katy and Jason want a cozy-but-not-too-cozy drink on their own, but Mack has inserted himself into the situation and doesn’t realize he’s not welcome. They try to leave, but he won’t let them, so Katy asks if he’s talked to Dee lately, because she figures one way or another, that will get rid of him. He says he doesn’t want to, but she suggests he’d feel better if he spoke to her, or alternatively went away. Mack is reluctant, but she explains that after all Dee has been through lately, it would really help if he’d go talk to her. He leaves in a bit of a huff, because he went there to be insulted by Tadhg, not harassed by Katy and Jason, and then they head home immediately after him.

Pádraig and Bobbi-Lee are helping a completely drunk David into Bobbi-Lee’s bed to sleep it off. She sadly says it looks like she won’t be needing her bed tonight, and as they undress David and pry an open bottle of tequila out of his hand, Pádraig asks her if there’s something going on between her and Tiarnán. She’s evasive and sends him out, and spritzes herself with perfume as she follows, which makes David call for Alannah. He explains that she wore the same perfume, and then, ever the romantic, vomits juicily into Bobbi-Lee’s trashcan. The sound effects team may have gone a bit overboard because you can, like, hear the splatter. Bobbi-Lee calls for help as David again calls her Alannah and thanks her.

Back at Jason’s place, we’re once again taking advantage of the newly built bedroom set as he and Katy kiss on the bed. She makes it clear that she’s ready to take things to the next level, and after Jason asks if she’s sure, she nods yes and we tastefully exit the scene.

The last few stragglers are leaving the Cois Tine, and Bobbi-Lee exits her bedroom just in time to stop Tiarnán, pleading that he can’t go yet. She protests that he hasn’t even tasted her Long Island iced tea, which I have decided is a euphemism. He says maybe another time, such as never, and tries to leave, but she stops him and says that David is in her bed, because he’s drunk, not that you have to be drunk in order to get into her bed, but that she can’t believe she’ll have to sleep on the couch in her own house, and I can never tell with Tiarnán whether he’s oblivious to what’s going on or just plays dumb to avoid awkwardness. Either way, he just stands there and watches blankly as this particular building collapses in slow motion. Finally Berni volunteers that Bobbi-Lee can always sleep with her, and Tiarnán exclaims, “Problem solved!” and flees out the door. A smiling Berni implies that Bobbi-Lee is a ho, and Bobbi-Lee implies that Berni is a wench, and the episode ends, leaving us to revisit the Berni/Tiarnán/Bobbi-Lee love triangle, such as it is, another day.

Next time: David is bragging to Micheál, Mack, and Eoin that he spent the night with Bobbi-Lee, IN THE BIBLICAL AND ALSO SEXY SENSE! Mack and Eoin share a look that says they’re dubious. Also nauseous.