Where There's A Will, There's A Won't

Season 20, Episode 59

First aired 17 March 2016

It’s St Patrick’s Day! Which is good, because otherwise the extremely elaborate costumes everyone is wearing would look strange. At the café, Bobbi-Lee is still, as my Scottish/Southern grandfather used to say, “all het up” about the money Cathal left Berni in his will. She’s harassing Berni to accept the €120,000, and you can tell by Berni’s expression that this (one-sided) conversation has been going on for a while, possibly since the end of the last episode two days ago. Berni and Evan are both reluctant to have anything to do with the money, and Bobbi-Lee, in no uncertain terms, tells them that they are both a couple of trippin’ heifers. She tells them she’s sure there are plenty of charities that would love to have the money, and before we can even say “Yeah, the Bobbi-Lee Charity,” Berni says it for us. See, Berni is so much more fun when she’s with Bobbi-Lee. Bobbi-Lee changes tactics and tells them it’s karma, that they earned the money by going on that trip to Crazytown with Cathal, and she points out all the fun Berni and Evan could have spending it. The best part is that when she tells them how much “craic” they could have with the money, Berni repeats the word “craic” hesitantly, as if she’s completely unfamiliar with the term, which, well, it’s Berni, so…. Since that doesn’t work, Bobbi-Lee tries yet another direction, and says Berni could put it in a pension or retirement fund, but Berni says no matter how she thinks about the money it doesn’t feel right, and that she’s not going to take it.

At the pub: it’s Eoin! God, I’ve missed him. I dip in and out of Fair City, but it’s really remarkable to watch Daithí Mac Suibhne and compare his performances on the two shows, because it really is like he’s a completely different person – his body language, mannerisms, expressions, tone of voice, and even his posture are completely different. It’s like he has different sets of eyes he uses depending on whether he’s playing Eoin or Emmet. Anyway, Eoin is sketching some designs for Mo of how she could transform the house she inherited last episode from Grandma’s Candy Dish into Something From The Twentieth Century, At Least. He’s moving all the rooms around and knocking out walls and, maybe, burning it to the ground so Mo can start all over again, and she exclaims that he’s so good at this that he ought to have an architectural TV show. Do we even know what Eoin does for a living? Does he have a job? Before he leaves, Eoin reminds Mo that life can change unexpectedly—a year ago he never thought he’d be married, or on two TV shows!—so she should keep in mind ways she might use the space in case she finds herself with a partner and/or some kids. She’s taken aback by the idea, and then puts on her thinking face as he leaves. Pádraig shows up in an elaborate and terrifying gold-sequined leprechaun costume to buy Mo a drink, but she’s got to go, as she’s got some thinking to do.

Katy is in a sunny mood at the café with her dad until Dee shows up and she immediately shifts from Dr Jekyll to Mr Hyde. I never love Katy more than when she’s annoyed and sarcastic, and nobody brings out the worst, i.e., best, in her the way Dee does. Dee says she needs to go to work, and John Joe replies that she shouldn’t be working on a holiday, and the whole time Katy is enveloped in a cloud of hilarious eye rolling and “something smells” sneering. Dee tries to apologize to Katy for not believing her and for the way she treated Mack, but of course Katy is having none of it, so Dee leaves and John Joe tells Katy she needs to get over it and forgive Dee. She points out that not only did Dee hurt Mack and what’s-her-name, but that she’s responsible for rapists roaming the streets free, and when he tells her they need to come together as a family, she hurls in his face that they’re not a family, they’re more like a dysfunctional circus. His expression tells her she’s gone too far, and she apologizes to him, but he sadly reminds her that she’s been forgiven many times over the years, so, dot dot dot.

Out in the street, Dee runs into Mack and Mo, and she’s still doing that maddening thing where instead of immediately launching into her story, she slowly asks for a few minutes of his time as if she’s Greenpeace and wants him to sign a petition, which of course just gives him time to walk away. Or, in this case, for Mo to throw some shade in Dee’s direction, and then walk away. Mack is caught between Dee on one side begging him to stay, and Mo on the other telling him to go, and he looks like a child caught between his two upset mommies.

In the shop, Micheál is asking Máire how Nollaig is doing, and whether he enjoyed the parade, but she points out that he’s an infant and can barely focus his eyes, much less enjoy a parade, stupid. She asks if Réailitín enjoyed the parade, and we all envision Réailitín and Áine firing guns into the air as they speed away towards Dublin in a float they’ve carjacked. (Floatjacked?) He tells Máire he’ll see her later at the Cois Tine, and leaves just as Mo comes in. Máire congratulates her on her new house, and then oddly asks if she’s secured a loan to pay for all the work she’ll have to do on it (is Máire a loan shark now?). Mo says she has, so Máire says all Mo needs now is a fine man to share the place with, since today is the day in which everybody gets up in Mo’s grill about her being a shriveled-up old spinster. Before she leaves, Máire tells Mo she should come to the Cois Tine tonight because there might be some eligible bachelors there other than Micheál and David this time, and volunteers that her grandmother used to say that a woman who’s too choosy about men will end up alone on the shelf. Yeah, Mo, lower those standards! Fia can give you lessons.

Dee and Mack are sitting in her parked car while she tries to apologize. She admits that when she heard he was involved with prostitutes she assumed the worst, and he scolds her for believing lies about him rather than just asking him about it. Dee’s eyes get huge, and she tells him sadly that if anyone had found out she was talking to him about it, the case would’ve been thrown out, but he can’t believe she put her stupid case ahead of their relationship. She tries to tell him there’s no room in the law for emotions or personal opinions, only facts, but he’s all “Facts, my arse!” I love how Mack can make anything about his arse. She says she knows she doesn’t have the right to ask him to forgive her, but she hopes he will anyway, and he sets his jaw as she looks pleading and sad.

Bobbi-Lee is taking a break from harassing Berni about the money, which is thirsty work, so she and Mo are having a drink at Gaudi when Jason congratulates Mo on her new house.  News travels so fast around the village that I can only assume that Máire runs some kind of blog or perhaps prints a newsletter. Mo thanks him, but says that apparently owning your own place isn’t enough anymore, because apparently now you can’t be happy or fulfilled without a man and a bunch of kids. Bobbi-Lee scoffs at this and says that if she’d listened to everybody who’d told her that over the years, she’d never be where she is today. Mo and Jason let that one hang in the air for a bit, and then Mo says that Máire wants her to go to the Cois Tine tonight to pick up guys. Bobbi-Lee, of course, immediately forgets they were talking about Mo and says she’ll have to let Tiarnán know that Cois Tine is tonight, and when Mo questions her about it, she’s all like, “Oh, of course, Tiarnán and are practically boning at all times.” Somewhere in the village, Tiarnán is shivering right now as if someone’s just sashayed across his grave.

Back in Dee’s car, Mack is telling her he’d thought he’d hit the jackpot with her until she broke his heart, and that he was a fool for ever caring about her. She tells him they can have that again, but he says things have changed and that he doesn’t have any feelings for her anymore, and then is like, “Wait, is disgust a feeling?” Hasn’t he seen Inside Out? He gets out of the car, leaving Dee’s huge eyes devastated.

Back at their place, Mo is putting on some kind of sad grey old-lady cardigan/cloak with built-in osteoporosis, which makes us think that perhaps Grandma’s Candy Dish is where she belongs after all. Mack comes in and tells her he’s finished with Dee, and she replies that he’s better off without her, and she says that without having even seen that effed-up Star Trek uniform Dee was wearing the other day. Mo invites him to the Cois Tine, which she says will be fun, and he can’t believe she’s using the words “fun” and “Cois Tine” in the same sentence. There is a lot of discussion this episode about what is and is not craic. She tells him there will be women there, but he says he’s done with women because they’re nothing but trouble. She’s like, “Uhh, hello? Woman here!”, but he can be forgiven for momentarily forgetting that given what she’s wearing. She tells him he’s got to get back up on the horse, but he says he’s done with this racket, and rattles off a list of women he’s loved and lost over the years: Adelaide, Róise, Vicky, Dee, Tina Turner…. I’m pretty sure about the last one. He reiterates that he’s finished with women—FINISHED!—and just as Tiarnán’s spidey-sense was tingling earlier when Bobbi-Lee was mentally groping him, somewhere Pádraig is thinking, “I sense a hot, possibly confused straight guy swearing off women!” Mo decides Mack is right and that if he’s done with women, she’s done with men, but just then she gets a text from Máire reminding her of the Cois Tine and she’s torn. Her first mistake was giving Máire her phone number.

At the law office, Dee is dictating boring legal stuff into her Dictaphone thing when she thinks she hears a noise in the obviously closed-for-the-holiday office, but she thinks nothing of it and goes back to her torts and writs and jury tampering or whatever.

At Berni’s, she’s serving pasta with tomato sauce out of a pot that has clearly not had pasta with tomato sauce cooked in it while legal expert Evan examines the will. He notes the date on it and points out that Cathal had completely lost it by that point, so the will is probably invalid anyway. Berni, whom you’ll remember was totally anti-money earlier in the episode, is now like, “Hey, let me see that!” and starts arguing that, well, Cathal lost it gradually, so the will is probably still binding. Bobbi-Lee, of course, is irritatedly distraught at the thought of not being able to mooch all that money off Berni in the future. You can see the light bulb switch on over her head and she starts using reverse psychology on Berni, knowing that Berni always does the opposite of what Bobbi-Lee says. It works, and Bobbi-Lee gives a great eyebrow-raised semi-smile to herself as Berni starts arguing that the will must be valid.

Back at the law office, Dee’s dictation is interrupted by creepy Muiris, who bursts through the door of her office creepily. He calls her darling and asks menacingly how she’s doing, and she looks frightened as we go to break.

When we return, Dee has jumped up to tell Muiris, who yet again is wearing his one outfit, that he can’t be there because the office is closed for the holiday. He pushes her against the wall and they struggle, and he calls her a whore and clamps his hand over her mouth as he yells for her to keep quiet, because she’s going to enjoy this, and it’s genuinely horrific and terrifying.

Bobbi-Lee is still reverse-psychologizing Berni, saying there are probably other relatives who will contest Cathal’s will, but Berni argues there are no other relatives, so Bobbi-Lee presents into evidence a TV show she saw this one time, which she is probably making up, and concludes that there are always long-lost relatives who show up when there’s money to be had. Berni fumes that if they were such loving, caring relatives, she wouldn’t have had to be the one to take care of Cathal when he was losing it, and Bobbi-Lee, who is expertly pulling the strings on the Berni marionette, tells her that no relative has the right to swan in and take the money off Bobbi-Lee, err, Berni. By which she means Bobbi-Lee. Berni, who is now furious at these imaginary relatives who are trying to steal her hard-earned money, picks up the phone to call Cathal’s lawyer. Evan points out that they’ll be closed for the holiday, but Bobbi-Lee helpfully volunteers that Berni can leave a message, or, you know, Bobbi-Lee could drive her over to the lawyer’s house, or whatevs. OMG, I love Bobbi-Lee.

Back at the office, Muiris still has Dee pinned to the wall with his hand over her mouth, and is saying vile things about the little skirts she would wear to flirt with him, and it’s hard to watch. He finally demands she admit she wants him, and she nods yes, so he loosens his grip and she pushes past him and runs for the door. He grabs her and they wrestle, and then he forces her down on the floor and slaps her hard across the mouth.

At the B&B, David is droning on with some dramatic reading out of some book, which the subtitles are not translating for me, but based on his tone it does not seem to be Bridget Jones’s Diary or Harry Potter. There is a crowd of mostly oldies, and Micheál and Máire are eating it up, and Mo is politely trying to look interested, and Bobbi-Lee is totally over it and probably wondering who’s bringing the Jell-O shots. She complains under her breath that there isn’t even any booze, and that the only reason she’s not splitting for the pub is that she’s got a date coming. David drones on for a while longer, and the oldies applaud when he finishes addressing the haggis or whatever (yes, yes, I know haggis is not Irish, so save your angry letters and threatening phone calls), and Bobbi-Lee gets a text from Tiarnán saying he’s not coming because uhh, these prescription drugs aren’t going to sample themselves. Mo asks if Tiarnán is into Bobbi-Lee, and she’s like, not yet, but he will be. The two of them decide to scram, but just then a very tall young man named Risteard, who I think is supposed to be very sexy, arrives, so they (mostly Bobbi-Lee) decide that perhaps they were a bit hasty.

Terrifyingly, back at the law office, Muiris is on top of Dee on the floor yelling that she’s going to like this, and she’s screaming and struggling, and just then, Katy appears in the doorway, grabs something heavy off Dee’s desk, and smashes Muiris over the back of the head with it! He falls unconscious to the floor, and Katy is like a pissed-off fabulous Wonder Woman, and we love her!!!

At the B&B, Bobbi-Lee is trying to seduce the much-younger Risteard, and asking for his number, so Mo excuses herself to go throw up. She and Máire tut-tut over Bobbi-Lee’s shameless behavior, and Máire hisses that Bobbi-Lee is almost 40 years older than Risteard. Snerk. She tells Mo that she invited Risteard, who’s her third cousin’s neighbor’s grandson-in-law or something, so he could meet Mo, but that she wasn’t planning for Bobbi-Lee to come in and ruin everything with her Jezebellery.

Muiris is out cold on the floor of the law office, and Katy kicks him to make sure he’s not dead. She gets down to comfort Dee, who’s understandably still freaking out on the floor, and tells her the Gardaí are on the way. She tells Dee that Muiris is still breathing, which causes her to panic some more, but Katy tells her not to worry, if he gets back up she’ll just knock him the hell out again, and she delivers that line so perfectly that it would be hilarious if this whole scene weren’t so upsetting. Dee really loses it now, and a tearful Katy holds her while she cries and shakes, and assures her that everything will be all right now.

At the pub, there’s a band, and it’s like the saddest Pogues show ever. Pádraig, still dressed as a leprechaun used-car salesman, tells Mo and Mack to stop being such miserypantses, it’s St Patrick’s Day. Pádraig really needs to find some more fun places to hang out. Mack asks if the Cois Tine was any fun, and Mo is instantly like, “Oh no,” and says that Bobbi-Lee was there being a hussy, so, business as usual. Pádraig, who of course has the gay empathy gene, asks Mo if she’s all right, and she says yes, but that the shelf she’s going to be left on will need reinforcing. As Eoin arrives, Mack explains to Pádraig that Máire is convinced that Mo is turning into an old spinster, and Pádraig can’t believe that a) Mo is actually worried about that and b) anybody pays attention to Máire. Pádraig starts soliloquizing about the virtues of single life, like not having somebody else’s mess to clean up and not having to fight over the thermostat setting, and as someone who was single until he was 38, I know all the words to this particular song. Of course, if Pádraig turned around and saw the handsome hotness standing behind him, he’d change his tune. Mo decides he’s right, and calls to Eoin that she’s glad he married Eimear, but that he and Mo are different, and she’s keeping her walk-in closet rather than turning it into a baby-vomit room. Eoin, brightly, is like, “I’m not sure I know what you’re talking about, but OK!”

Just then, Mack and Jason go flying out of the pub, presumably because of a phone call or text we didn’t see, and they meet the Dalys getting out of John Joe’s car. Mack asks Dee if she’s OK, and she encourages John Joe, Katy, and Jason to go inside. Mack tells Dee he’s glad she’s all right, and that Katy stopped Muiris before was able to, you know, and Dee tells him she recorded the whole thing on her Dictaphone. She gave the tape to the Gardaí, and it’ll be enough to make Muiris finally pay for all his crimes. It’s clear Mack is still totally in love with her, but he says he’s got to go, and she thanks him for coming to see if she was all right. Mack, hurtfully, tells her it’s OK, because he would’ve done the same for anyone, and, all right, Mack, I get why you’re angry with her, but now is not the time. He gives her a long, cold look, and then walks away, leaving her standing on the street crying, with a busted lip and broken heart.

Next time: Bobbi-Lee and Berni are hosting the Cois Tine at their place, and Bobbi-Lee tells her excitedly that it’s their chance to put a stamp on the occasion. Cut to a great shot of everybody pounding shots off Berni’s coffee table. But then Bobbi-Lee sees Berni cozying up to Tiarnán, and you can tell it’s going to be on and poppin’!