That Time Áine Kidnapped Herself

Season 21, Episode 10

First aired 6 October 2016

We open at the community center where Berni is helpfully telling Frances that Áine might have gone down to the river because Berni took her down there after Lee died. This of course makes Frances feel much better because every worried mother wants to imagine that her small missing child has wandered down to the river alone. Why not just tell her about the time you took Áine to play at the cobra farm, Berni? Anyway, Berni has somehow become the coordinator of the search effort, as signified by the fact that she is holding a clipboard, and even Peatsai is taking things very seriously, which you can tell because he is wearing a somber khaki Members Only jacket over his Hawaiian shirt. (I’m finally going to start referring to him as “Peatsai” rather than “Uncle Pest” because he’s hung around a lot longer than I expected him to.) Berni dispatches the menfolk to various locales to look for Áine, including telling Evan to “search the village,” which is very specific and helpful indeed. Before they disperse, which in this case means “go to the café en masse for free food,” David congratulates her on the good job she’s doing as coordinator, and she looks bravely into the middle distance and says it’s the least she can do, what with her brother being the one who probably killed Áine and all.

Mack is holding down the fort in the café, and I can’t tell whether the shirt he’s wearing is some kind of work uniform or normal street clothes, but he looks quite fetching in it either way. Rrawr! Pádraig shows up and asks Mack what’s up with the salon, because the doors are locked and all the employees (?) are standing around in the street waiting for Caitríona to show up. Mack is very helpful, of course, in that he’s like, “We have a salon here?” and also, “What’s a salon?”

Speaking of the current winner of the Nobel Prize in Meddling, Caitríona is at home pulling a sickie with a bottle of wine. It seems she’s shipped Maeve off to her mother’s and thinks she’ll go there for a few days as well, to enjoy some fresh air and not-getting-killed-by-Andy. She calls Vince and yells at his voicemail that Andy is back and she’s gonna be in trouble, so he better call her.

Aunt Sally or whatever her name is returns to the B&B and Máire almost hits her in the head with a saucepan, but sadly does not. We can add Máire to the list of people who are terrorized by the thought of Andy’s return. He really is the gift that keeps on giving.

We cut to Gaudi, where there is awkwardness between Jason and morning-sickness Katy, who’s sure Áine has just run away from home since that’s what all the kids are doing these days, and then she offers to mind the restaurant so Jason can go join the search. Berni can give him one of her famous useful assignments, such as “Search Ireland.” He stops on his way out to scold her for drinking coffee because it’s bad for the baby, to which she responds by making a big production out of drinking more of the coffee while glaring at him, which is the Katy we all know and love.

At the café, everyone is still looking for Áine, specifically by standing around drinking coffee and eating free food. Seriously, it’s like every character on the show piled in, like Ros na Rún Where’s Waldo? O’Shea arrives to have a word with Frances, and looks grim, but then again it’s O’Shea, so it’s hard to tell.

Katy, whom you’ll recall was looking after the restaurant while Jason searched for Áine, announces that she walked out for no particular reason and is now sitting on the sofa at home eating crisps and reading something she’s printed off the internet about going to England for abortions. John Joe arrives, and of course while trying to hide the abortion thing she drops it on the floor and he immediately finds it.

Upstairs at the pub, O’Shea is updating Frances and Tadhg about the search for Áine and tells them that Andy is the prime suspect since he’s known to be in the area due to the break-in at Berni’s and the attack on David. Frances and Tadhg exchange worried glances because they of course know that it was secret agent Bobbi-Lee acting on Tadhg’s behalf who turned over a chair and threw a magazine on the floor at Berni’s, but they can’t admit this to O’Shea because she’d have to give them a warning and possibly also a stern, disapproving look.

Caitríona is in the street loading her bags into the car when Colm arrives to yell at her for letting him make a fool out of himself by not telling him about Vince, and then gets even more yell-y when she tells him that Andy is back in town. Today is not Colm’s day. The two of them taking turns crapping their pants in fear, and then Mack appears and breaks the news to Caitríona that Áine has been abducted, and everybody is now officially freaking the eff out.

Tadhg and Frances are trying to figure out how Andy attacked David given that he’s dead and all, and then Tadhg starts to doubt whether he was actually 100% dead or, like, only 40%. You know things are bad when Tadhg starts to question his killing skills.

After the break, John Joe and Katy are arguing about whether she’s going to keep the baby and what a mess her life is, and it continues on and off for the rest of the episode, so let’s just say that there is yelling and crying and no decision is made. Back on the street, Caitríona and Colm are still freaking out, but then he wanders away just as she gets a call from Vince. Tadhg materializes and immediately grabs the phone out of her hand and runs into the pub with it to talk to Vince, locking the door behind him, and the entire next scene is hilarious as Tadhg talks to Vince while Caitríona’s silhouette bangs on the glass and screams for him to open the door and give back her phone. Eventually Vince mentions that Áine once very specifically and conveniently told him that she’d hide in the cellar if Andy ever returned to Ros na Rún, so Tadhg and Frances run downstairs and find her asleep behind some barrels.

At the café, Dee is in a foul mood and being super-crabby with Mack. He asks if she won her case today, and she says she did, and then sulks out the door in tears.

Back in the cellar, there is a long, drawn-out production in which Frances struggles to awaken Áine, who has apparently gone into suspended animation. We hope Tadhg will have to pour a giant bucket of water on her to wake her up, but eventually Frances’ screaming and carrying on do the job, and everybody starts crying.

Out in the car, Dee admits to Mack that she is sad not because he’s a big sexy dummy, or at least not entirely because of that, but because she’s having the usual defense attorney’s crisis of conscience about defending murderers and international sex traffickers and the Legion of Doom. She’s not sure what she’s doing with her life, but she knows there’s going to be crying.

Upstairs at the pub, Áine and her parents are trying to have a quiet moment when O’Shea shows up, and then Caitríona bursts in in a frantic tornado of craziness. She tries to ask all about Andy, but is escorted out just before we get to see Tadhg test out his now-questionable killing skills on her. Out in the hall, O’Shea quietly informs her that she’s spoken to Inspector Clouseau or whoever and that there’s no way Andy could possibly know that Caitríona’s the one who grassed him up. Caitríona is semi-relieved, but still annoying, so O’Shea suggests she take Mack up on his earlier offer to stay with him until the coast is clear so she won’t be alone. Caitríona volunteers that she’s going to visit her mother instead, and O’Shea likes this idea even better, because it involves Caitríona going away. Meanwhile, Áine confesses that she hid because she overheard O’Shea telling her parents that Andy was back, and all the grown-ups look sad.

Back in the car, Dee is feeling sorry for herself, and Mack agrees that he doesn’t like her job, but that her career doesn’t define her, and he loves her in spite of her being an awful criminal-loving monster. I’m paraphrasing. She gets all googly-eyed because this is the first time he’s told her he loves her, and good God, they’ve been going out for like a year. Instead of saying “I love you, too,” she says “Ditto,” and you can tell she thinks she’s being really cute, and: ugh. Mack seems satisfied, though, so I guess it’s none of my business.

Back at the pub, Frances is suggesting to Tadhg that they send Áine to a counselor, but he suggests they compromise and give her a giant sword instead. Frances doesn’t like this idea, but he reassures her by clarifying that it’s a toy sword, not an actual one he’s stolen from the National Museum. Well, I feel better now. He calls Áine in, shows her her new weapon, and tells her a long story about how it’s the ancient Ó Díreáin sword passed down for centuries and that as long as Áine has it, no one can harm her. Áine seems reassured and not at all suspicious that it’s plastic and says “Made in China” on it, and it’s actually a very sweet father-daughter scene, which we’ll have to remember in a few weeks when she gets in trouble for disemboweling her classmates or Pádraig or whoever with it. She toddles off to bed with her new three-foot-long knife, as children do, and Tadhg tries to assure Frances that Andy won’t be back, but she’s not sure and looks worried. If Frances keeps this up, Tadhg is going to have to produce the ancient Ó Díreáin hand grenade to make her feel safe.

Next time: Mo tries to explain to David that he can’t save everyone, and that some people are just lost causes, like Pól and Andy. An offended David protests that Pól is nothing like Andy, and then we cut to Pól screaming and threatening David with a broken bottle, and I swear I am not making this up.