The Grammy For Breast New Artist Goes To....

Season 21, Episode 43

First aired 31 January 2017

We open today’s tale of woe and boobies with Bobbi-Lee squealing as Mack delivers her brand new CDs. We forget that, along with café mogul, hackney driver, and Japanese tour guide, Mack is also a FedEx deliveryman, and possibly one of Little Mix. Before she even opens the box, Bobbi-Lee asks a passing Caitríona if she’d like to buy a CD, and of course Caitríona is a rude snot, as are all world-famous authors and soap recappers. It seems Mack is also not interested in listening to Bobbi-Lee’s album, so she turns to the other person who is standing around in this scene, which unfortunately for her is Berni, who begs off because she’s on her way to the café to have the new kitchen installed. Bobbi-Lee judges this an acceptable excuse because, as she puts it, the old kitchen is “shabby” and really needs replacing, like, yesterday. As usual, Berni is offended, but at least this time she at least kind of has a reason to be. She can’t stay to shout “Gabh mo leithscéal?!?” repeatedly, though, because she’s got to dash off to the café to make sure the builders don’t mistakenly remove the salmonella and E. coli colonies she’s spent years cultivating.

At the pub, proud grandparents John Joe and Noreen are showing baby photos to proud possible-grandparents Tadhg and Frances, and everyone ignores Caitríona when she arrives and sits down at the bar next to them, which is probably unintentional, but funny anyway. Bobbi-Lee arrives for her shift, which of course began some time ago, but when Tadhg scolds her she tells him she won’t need his poxy job much longer, because her new CD has arrived and has already entered the Top 40 at number 1,850. She hands him a copy, and he and Frances start smirking as soon as they see the cover, which we assume is because the photo shows Bobbi-Lee with her breast hanging out or something, and we’re only somewhat wrong. Tadhg begins a mock auction, starting the bidding at 5 cents (heh), but she points out that the price is actually €20 (!). Steady on, there, honey. Tadhg passes the CD around to see if any of the assembled barflies see anything unusual about it, but none of them—including Caitríona, Ros na Rún’s self-declared reincarnation of James Joyce—notice that it says in big letters at the top “BOOBI-LEE.” Everyone laughs when he points it out, except Boobi-Lee herself, who realizes she’s made a real tit of herself.

Down the road, Laoise is trying to sneak Colm out of the B&B after clearly having an afternoon delight. He tries to kiss her, but she waves him off and hisses that Sally might see. Don’t worry, Laoise, Sally is too busy upstairs in head-to-to leather hitting a ball-gagged and harnessed Peatsaí with a whip. You can thank me for putting that image in your head later.

At the café, Berni is looking through the Discount Kitchens “R” Us catalog with her builder Kit when Pádraig, still in search of a storyline, arrives and makes a big production out of interrupting them to introduce himself. It’s clear that there is absolutely no one on earth Kit is less interested in talking to right now than Pádraig, which is remarkable given that he’s talking to Berni, for God’s sake. They basically ignore him until he goes away, and Kit tells Berni that he’s got a floor model back at the shop that he’ll sell her at a big discount, if somebody else doesn’t buy it first. David enters, and Berni complains for a while about how annoying Pádraig is, which fortunately for her is also David’s favorite topic of conversation these days.

Over at the B&B, Peatsaí and Sally are post-sexcapade-ly making plans to go see some show somewhere and then spend the night in a hotel. He casually mentions that he’ll book the room, singular, and she conveys how scandalized she is by acting like she is unfamiliar with this word, but when he makes it plural rooms, she suddenly knows what he’s talking about and thinks it’s a marvelous idea. He leaves, and she gets back to her ironing, stopping to sigh sadly at her frumpy nightgown, which is admittedly less Victoria’s Secret and more Gladys’ Upholstery Hut.

The next stop on David’s “complaining about Pádraig” tour is the pub, and the latest victim is Mo. He complains that having Gráinne and Pádraig there makes the house just like Piccadilly Circus, which makes us believe he has never actually been to Piccadilly Circus, unless there is now a Boots, two Pizza Huts, and a Tube station in his living room. Bobbi-Lee wanders in arguing with the printers on the phone and threatening to sue them if they don’t reprint her covers for free, which is the cue for Tadhg and Caitríona to laugh at her some more. This would be an excellent time for Bobbi-Lee to find out how many of her 1000 defective CDs she can fit into Caitríona’s various orifices. Meanwhile, Noreen and John Joe are at a table making googly eyes at each other, and she ignores a call from Ferdia, whose eyes we cannot see, but are probably not googly.

Back at the café, Berni’s on the phone with Kit, telling him she’ll bring the deposit for the new kitchen over later, and because he is a new person on this show, he will of course turn out to be shady. Oops, spoilers! At a table, Bobbi-Lee has got a black marker out and is doing quite a good job actually of changing “Boobi” to “Bobbi” on her CD covers, and I suspect she could get away with it if Berni didn’t come over and make a big deal about it. I can’t wait until Berni’s CD comes out and her name is misspelled “Burpy” on the cover.

Tadhg overhears Peatsaí telling Mo about his plans to take Sally to the Grand Hotel tonight, which comes as a great relief to Mo, because she won’t have to listen to the two of them “clattering” all night again tonight. She should really be more charitable: that’s just the noise their bones make now. Tadhg comes over and they argue until Peatsaí wanders away, leaving Tadhg to tell Mo that Peatsaí is walking all over her, splashing out on a fancy hotel while claiming he’s too poor to pay her any rent. Tadhg is very protective of Mo because as far as he’s concerned he’s the only one who gets to walk all over her.

Noreen and John Joe are now getting drunk and flirting with each other at Gaudi, having presumably been thrown out of the pub for being gross. She takes a break long enough to be rude to Mack when he passes through for a cup of coffee, which you’d think he’d get from the cafe he’s part-owner of, but even he’s afraid to consume anything that comes out of Berni’s shabby kitchen. After Noreen runs Mack off, she and John Joe get back to what they were doing before, which seems to be sucking each other’s faces off.

After the break, during which we learn that smoke detectors are important because they detect smoke, we return to the pub, where Mo is telling Gráinne how annoying David and Pádraig are and how if she has to keep hearing about this, she’s going to beat everyone to death with a hurley. I’m paraphrasing. Meanwhile, Áine and Réailtín, who are supposed to be doing their homework, are ogling a poster about an upcoming concert featuring what appear to be two teenaged versions of Ali G. Áine asks Réailtín to go with her, but she replies that she can’t because she’s going with her friends. Awwww, poor Áine. Micheál arrives, and Mo says something to him that includes the words “4-wheel drive,” which the captions translate to mean “Any talk of moving back home now that you’re up and about again?”  I have no idea. Anyway, he says that yes, he and Réailtín are very excited to move back to wherever they came from, which seems to be someplace very far away and remote, such as Saturn. He doesn’t notice that Réailtín reacts to this as if someone has just offered to give her a jalapeño enema, so after he goes away, she tells Áine that she hates it on Saturn and wants to stay in Ros na Rún, because it’s much more vibrant and exciting there. Oh, dear. Áine announces that they’ll have to come up with a plan to keep her here, then, which knowing Áine will involve either blowing up Saturn or chopping Micheál into pieces and making it look like a suicide.

John Joe and Noreen are still guzzling champagne at Gaudi, and it’s starting to feel like Leaving Las Vegas, only with better lighting. Dee shows up with that jerk from her office Turlough, whom we last saw being punched in the face by Mack. She’s embarrassed, because it’s humiliating when your friends see your parents, and especially when your parents are drunk and handsy. Turlough, whose microphone does not seem to be working right now, makes some small talk about the baby, which is muffled and comes only out of the far left side of our screen because he’s only being picked up by the boom mic over on the B&B set. Dee finally drags him off before her parents start doing the Macarena or something else so embarrassing she would have to drop out and transfer to another school.

Back at the pub, Pádraig asks David and Gráinne if they’re ready to watch seasons 7-22 of some box set tonight, but David claims they’ll have to take a rain check, because he’s got a meeting this evening with Fidelma, which based on the name I’m guessing is either a person or a bank. Pádraig is stricken and whiny and then leaves, but not before inviting himself along for the ride to Galway, which is evidently where Fidelma lives, or has its headquarters. After the yucky boys depart, Áine comes over to ask Gráinne a serious question as an almost-nurse, which is what is the safest way to break Réailtín’s leg. I am totally not making this up. Gráinne says she is not aware of one, which causes Áine to give her this great look that says, “Wow, you are a terrible nurse.” She then clarifies that it’s actually Micheál’s leg she wants to break, because that way he and Réailtín would have to stay in town instead of returning to Saturn. Réailtín explains to Gráinne that she wants to stay in Ros na Rún because of the aforementioned rave scene and mini-golf, and that she wishes her dad would just rent Saturn out. This gives Gráinne an idea, which I am hoping is to break Pádraig’s legs.

Over at the café, legal expert Jason gives Bobbi-Lee advice about the CDs, citing evidence from that time his CDs arrived with “Boobi-Jason” on the cover, and then leaves. She sadly tells Berni that the printers aren’t accepting responsibility because they say she should’ve caught the error on the proofs, which Berni thinks is a load of old bollocks until Bobbi-Lee admits she didn’t bother looking at the proofs. This makes Berni furious given she paid for these stupid CDs, and I suspect at this point Bobbi-Lee would be better off to just legally change her name to Boobi-Lee and start marketing this record as a Dolly Parton tribute album.

At the pub, John Joe and Peatsaí are discussing their hot dates, which are sadly not with each other. John Joe notices that Peatsaí is really dressed up, which I’m not sure how you tell with Peatsaí, unless it’s that his shirt is buttoned in all the right holes.

Bobbi-Lee is chasing an angry Berni down the street, carrying her sad box of CDs and sobbing that she’s become a laughingstock and that Berni is all she has. Berni kindly doesn’t point out that Bobbi-Lee should be used to being a laughingstock by now, though she does tell her to keep her voice down and stop making a spectacle out of herself. Bobbi-Lee seems to be sincerely crying and says her life is over, which is very sad because we love her, but then she suggests to Berni that she thinks €500 would make her feel a lot better. Instead of going inside and slamming the door in her face, Berni tries to reason with her, telling her she hasn’t got any money because she’s spent it all on the new kitchen, which Bobbi-Lee says she doesn’t need, because the old kitchen was fine. Berni reminds her that earlier today she was talking about how shabby it is, so Bobbi-Lee hilariously replies, “Well, it isn’t falling apart or anything.” They bicker, and eventually Berni proclaims that she’s never giving Bobbi-Lee another penny and slams the door in her face. Oh, if Bobbi-Lee had a euro for every time Berni’s told her this, she’d have €1000 she could spend on new CDs which this time would say “Boobi-Lee’s Greatest Tits” on them.

Gráinne has stopped by wherever Micheál has been living temporarily and tries to convince him to stay there rather than returning to Saturn. It is revealed that Réailtín hates everything, because she is a teenager this season, but that she hates Ros na Rún slightly less, and Gráinne asks Micheál if she can borrow the keys to the house on Saturn for a bit. I’m assuming it’s so she can bury Pádraig’s body under the floor there.

Back at the pub, Tadhg finds Peatsaí’s wage packet on the floor and decides to keep it for a bit, because he is bored and Peatsaí is terrible. When he can’t find it, Peatsaí goes off looking for it in a panic, because he knows Sally is a famous gold-digger who’s only after his money, apparently. I mean, if I were looking for a rich sugar daddy, Peatsaí would certainly be the one I’d set my sights on.

Further down the bar, Frances, who it seems is suddenly the president of the Ferdia Fan Club, starts carrying on to Noreen about what a wonderful man Ferdia is and how lucky Noreen is to have him and how he is sexier than Daniel Craig and Ryan Reynolds smashed together. This causes Noreen to look concerned, because she had forgotten that Ferdia is a thing that exists, much less a thing she is married to.

Mack drops by the café just as Berni is writing Kit a check for €10,000. Of course he’s annoyed because Berni’s spent the past two weeks making excuses for not being able to give him the €25,000 they agreed on, and now here she is giving some stranger €10,000, which he is pretty sure is either more or less than €25,000. They’re both numbers, anyway—that much he is certain of.

Sally is in the B&B kitchen admiring her new slinky new nightie, which is lovely and actually looks like it came from a store that sells clothing rather than from the Soviet House Of Potholders like the old one. Peatsaí arrives and tells her he’s had to cancel the trip, because the show is sold out, and it’s actually very sad and pitiful even though he drives us insane most of the time. She’s clearly very disappointed but tries to make the best of it, though she is pleased when she catches his eyes shooting out on stalks when he sees the new lingerie. Sadly the scene ends before we can see him start rubbing himself against it and her expression change.

Back at the pub, David is telling Gráinne he’s very happy he doesn’t have to ride all the way to Galway listening to Pádraig yap since Fidelma canceled their meeting. Presumably she was otherwise engaged, or it went out of business. Whichever is applicable. Now he’s despondent, though, because they’ll just have to spend the night with Pádraig, a fate worse than death. Happi,ly Gráinne produces the keys to Micheál’s house on Saturn and they bop off for a lovely Pádraig-free evening.

Down the bar, John Joe and Noreen are still giggling and making everyone around them ill, but when he puts his hand on hers, her mood suddenly changes. She tells him she’s very grateful he’s let her stay with him for a while, which I guess is what the kids are calling it now, but that they’ve got enough on their plates right now what with Katy and Dee both being complete pains in the ass. John Joe protests that they should be used to that by now, but she says she doesn’t want things to get any more complicated, and that she’s got responsibilities back home, so she’s leaving soon. He looks stricken, and somewhere in Donegal, poor Ferdia must be feeling a chill running through his entire body right now.