Bloody Hell

Season 22, Episode 19

First aired 7 November 2017

Halloween rages on for a second week, like Hanukkah. We open at Maggie’s, where she moves her new/old engagement ring from her left ring finger to her right, and when Tadhg squawks about it, she explains that it’s a secret for just the two of them right now. And, as soon as Tadhg leaves, Maggie’s 8 million Instagram followers. A quick cut to the squat shows Pól returning from his volunteer work at the elderly orphans’ home or wherever, and he finds Fia on the floor unconscious, so he starts screaming at her to wake up and shakes her a lot while looking crazed. This is what happens when you allow your life to turn into a Velvet Underground record.

Over at the B&B, Máire is saying that prayer about our father Art who is in heaven, Halloween be his name. She really does have a prayer for all seasons. Evan arrives and tells her he finally got Liam Óg to fall asleep after reading him three stories: Little Miss Neglected, Paddington Bear Goes to the Methadone Clinic, and The Cat in the Hat Meets Janis Joplin. As a librarian, I know the importance of tailoring a child’s reading material to his or her own life experiences. Máire frets for a while and then they agree that there’s nothing they can do at this point but wait for Fia to come home of her own accord, or to leave a new baby on their doorstep. Máire announces she’s going to bed, and Evan says he’s going back out to search the greater Europe area for Fia one more time. So much for waiting for her to come home of her own accord.  

Back at Maggie’s, where she’s coughing occasionally for effect, there’s frantic just-out-of-prison knocking at the door. Oh, I hope it’s David delivering last week’s mail. Tadhg gets his punching arm warmed up as he goes to open the door, and then Pól bursts in and looks surprised to find these two in this mystery house, which is apparently the closest neighbor to Suzanne’s Holiday House of Horrors. This is quite a neighborhood. He yells that his friend needs help, and Maggie starts out the door despite the fact that she’s in her bathrobe, but Tadhg yells that Pól is a knob and can go get help somewhere else. Maggie, however, remembers her Girl Guides training (“Make sure as many people see you in your bathrobe as possible”) and announces she’s going to help Pól and his alleged friend whether Tadhg likes it or not.

Berni is sitting on her sofa in the dark watching a film, which is the international symbol for “Bridget Jones-type singleton who is finished with men, FINISHED!” Another option would’ve been for her to be eating an entire tub of ice cream and crying. Briain sashays in, still in his surgical scrubs, and I invite you to write your best medical double entendre on a postcard and send it to Ros na Rún Recaps, America. He plops himself down on the sofa half an inch away from her and then starts hitting on her using a lot of “‘I want to have sex with you on this sofa right now’…is a thing someone might say who wants to be banned from Sofology for life!” nonsense which I am going to skip over. Of course she falls for it every time and in the process has about five heart attacks and bugs her eyes out so far she looks like a Powerpuff Girl.

The Three Stooges arrive at the squat, where Fia is still napping on the floor. Maggie and Tadhg divide the labor according to their strengths, i.e., Maggie checks to see if Fia is alive while Tadhg shakes Pól by the collar and demands to know what he did to her. They argue for a while and eventually Maggie pronounces that Fia is still alive, but that they should take her to the doctor. I have no idea at this point whether Sexy Easter Island head Tiarnán is still the mostly-imaginary doctor on this show or if there’s a new one, but I miss him. Anyway, Tadhg shakes Pól a bit more for good measure and then they start trying to extricate Fia from the building and take her to the Betty Ford Clinic or wherever.

The pub has closed, and Frances and Mo are alone trying to clean up the place, what with Tadhg being off Maggie-ing around and Bobbi-Lee having legged it the minute Frances turned her back. Heh. Evan pops in looking for Fia, but Mo tells him they haven’t seen her. He leaves just as Frances gets a phone call from Tadhg, clearly giving the Fia report, and she yells at Mo to run after Evan, because he needs to know about this. Well, it was nice knowing you, Fia.

Back at Berni’s, she and Briain are practically sitting in each other’s laps while watching the film. She complains that whatever they’re watching is “making her cold,” so I’m going to assume it’s his favorite film, Frozen. She pulls her robe tighter around her and then he pulls a blanket over them both, suggesting they share their warmth. I know when I think “warm,” I think Berni. Trouble arrives in the form of Bobbi-Lee, still in her S&M Vampirella costume, which is, err, quite short. She’s disappointed to find that Berni is there too, having planned to tie Briain to the radiator and, you know, get vampirical on him. She marvels at how late Berni is up, what with her being extremely elderly and all, and when Berni tries to make her go away by pointing out that they’re watching a film, actually, Bobbi-Lee spoils the ending for them so Berni can haul her decrepit old bones off to bed, pointing out that if she doesn’t get her required 17 hours of sleep per night, she gets “as cranky as a bag of cats.” Snerk. Bobbi-Lee tries getting up close and personal with Briain’s various parts, for scientific purposes we’re sure, and he quickly flees to his bedroom, because this has all gotten too weird for him. After he’s gone, the two women squabble for a while, and Bobbi-Lee complains that Briain is totally into her, obviously, and that Berni needs to stop being such a jealous ho. Berni counters by pointing out that Bobbi-Lee is old enough to be Briain’s mother, which of course goes over like a lead balloon—I totally want Bobbi-Lee’s hilariously indignant delivery of “Nil mé muis!” as my new ringtone—and she adds that the poor lad is obviously terrified of Vampirella Wynette here. They argue for a while, and it’s really very funny, because the two of them are always hilarious together.

At the B&B, Máire and Evan are frantically awaiting the arrival of Fia and her entourage. Well, Máire is frantic, and Evan is annoyed, which is kind of his default state when it comes to Fia these days. She staggers in, supported by Tadhg, and it’s not entirely clear whether she’s actually been seen by a doctor, but the blood in her hair is mostly clotted, so there’s that. Máire freaks out, but Maggie assures her that she’s fine, and Fia looks more embarrassed than anything else. Máire sees Maggie and Tadhg out, and of course Evan takes this opportunity to hiss insults at Fia about what an irresponsible shameless bad mother and general wagon she is. The mention of her mothering skills, or lack thereof, seems to remind her that Liam Óg is a thing that exists, so she stumbles to her feet and tries to go see him, but Evan tells him the last thing Liam Óg needs is to see his mother staggering around covered in blood and screaming. They fight for a while, and then Máire returns to join the fray. Fia says she’s sorry for having hit her the other day, or yesterday, or whenever it was, and Máire snaps back that if she were truly sorry for her behavior, she wouldn’t be in the state she’s in now, looking like a hot mess and reeking of booze. Máire 1, Fia 0.

Tadhg, who today is performing the role of a gurney, drags a wheezing, semi-conscious Maggie into the pub and sits her down on at the bar. Yes, when someone is about to pass out and unable to hold herself up, you should always perch her on a tall stool with no support. We return to the squat, where Pól is trying to ring Fia, but she does not seem to feel like talking on the phone for some reason right now. He hangs up just as Evan bursts through the door and shoves him against the wall, screaming about what Pól did to Fia. Pól points out—accurately, we have to admit—that he didn’t do anything to her, and that Fia took the drugs herself when he wasn’t even there, so Evan punches him in the mouth and orders him to stay away from her as he storms out, leaving Pól standing there with blood gushing from his mouth, shouting, “It’s not my fault! It’s not my fault!” Well, I’d say there’s plenty of blame to go around, and I propose we start with “society.”

Back at the pub, Maggie wants to go home, but Tadhg starts fussing over her and rubbing her cheek and producing “Get Well” balloons and so on. Just then he hears Frances coming down the stairs, so he makes a big production out of pretending that Maggie is in mid-faint and that he’s come around the bar to catch her. Frances starts cooing over her and offers to take her home so Tadhg can get some rest, and they bicker for a bit, but eventually he lets them go, and then looks sad.

After the break, during which we wonder BUT WHAT IS GOING ON AT THE RADIO STATION?, it’s the next morning, and Berni wanders yawning into the kitchen in her bathrobe and matching pajamas. There she finds Briain in a shirt that’s unbuttoned down to his crotch, and there is more of the “‘I want you to do me up against the wall!...’ is a thing I heard someone say in a porno video once!” nonsense from earlier. We would probably have more patience for this if it weren’t totally ruining our season-long plan for Pádraig to be the one Briain is doing up against a wall. Also, there is an alarming number of breadsticks thrusting skywards in Berni’s kitchen for some reason, but we will not think about the symbolism there. Bobbi-Lee wanders in, her leopard-print cleavage hoisted to the heavens, and says hello to Briain’s abs and nipples and other parts.

Berni bugs her eyes out and does the patented “Bobbi-Lee! For God’s sake!” routine she always does when confronted by this manner of thing, and Bobbi-Lee brilliantly responds with a smile, “Some of us take pride in our appearance, Berni.” Heh. She then asks Briain’s pecs and glutes if they can help her with something this evening, but he spoils her foolproof plan by asking her, “Help you with what?”, at which point we can hear the gears in her head grinding because she hadn’t thought that far in advance. She assures him she’ll tell him later, so he muscles away in a muscular fashion, and also muscles, and then Berni carries on some more. Bobbi-Lee concludes that by the end of the week, she’ll have “broken most of the rules in the Bible with that guy.” Does it still count as coveting thy neighbor’s ass if said ass lives in the same house as you? If you are a biblical scholar, please send in your interpretation.

Continuing this theme, over at the shop Pádraig is telling Adam, who we had forgotten works there now, about his buns. Excuse me, he’s telling Adam about Máire’s buns. Anyway, somebody’s buns were supposed to go to the old folks’ home, but sadly the oldies will remain bunless, and it is Fia’s fault somehow. They have an extended conversation about their buns, and I swear I am not making this up, and Adam seems exceedingly smiley about it all. Mo wanders in and mentions last night’s Fia-related excitement, which comes as news to both Pádraig, whose status as Fia’s intermittent BFF we keep forgetting, and Adam, whose relationship with her is troubled and epic.

At the B&B, Máire is feeding Liam Óg when Fia comes in sheepishly, and Máire passive-aggressively tells her she’s looking better this morning. Washing the blood out of your hair will do that for you. She continues that she imagines Fia slept better last night since she was in an actual bed as opposed to a “dirty mattress full of creepy crawlies” on the floor of a tip. As much as I like Fia and feel bad for her predicament, I have to admit that passive-aggressive snarky Máire is pretty damn funny. Eventually she leaves to take an important phone call, hopefully about her buns, and Fia sits down and gently promises Liam Óg that things are going to be better from now on. He seems unconvinced, but mostly seems he wants the grown-ups to stop bickering and get back to feeding him.

Over on the dirty mattress full of creepy crawlies, Pól hears someone at the door, so he grabs a convenient two-by-four and starts swinging it around menacingly. It turns out it’s Maggie, which doesn’t slow his lumber-swinging one bit, so she talks to him in soothing tones as if she’s a hostage negotiator for a while, assuring him that Fia is safe thanks to his quick thinking. She offers to clean his busted lip if he’ll come back to her place, but he calls her a nosy old hag and continues waving his wood in her face. Because she lived in America for many years and is therefore used to aggressive rudeness and threats of violence, she’s unfazed, and tells him he may not need her help, but he does need a shower. We’re going to assume this is because he reeks and not because she just likes the idea of Pól showering at her house.

Over at Gaudi, Caitríona and Mack are sitting at the bar together for some reason, but they’re not speaking, which is the normal reaction to being in close proximity to Caitríona. She’s pretending to read a newspaper, by which I mean she’s sneering at it as if she thinks she’s better than it is, and then Labhrás comes up and points out the advert for the radio station manager they’re trying to hire. Oh, thank God we’re not going to have to go an entire episode without hearing about the radio station. She snottily points out that it’s full of grammatical errors and then looks very pleased with herself, adding that this sort of thing would never have happened when she was on the radio. He snots back that she made plenty of errors back in her radio days, of both the grammatical and factual varieties, and explains that he remembers it all very clearly because he used to send in letters of complaint about her. He’s probably referring to the time she reported that Prince Charles was marrying Diana Ross. Mack is just sitting there smirking at all this, presumably grateful to see people being awful to each other who aren’t him and Dee for a change.

Across the restaurant, Pádraig crashes into a waitress who’s carrying what appears to be a bowl of yesterday’s congealed vomit, which gets all over his shirt. Adam materializes and offers him the bottle of soda water he happens to be carrying, saying he’s heard it’s good at removing stains, but unbelievably, a teaspoon of soda water does not seem to be able to remove a gallon of chocolate throw-up. Pádraig’s in a tizzy because he has somewhere important to go and can’t show up looking like this, so Adam suggests they swap shirts and starts doing a striptease. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on how you feel about such things, he is wearing a T-shirt underneath, so this is less like that 1980s TV commercial where Nick Kamen strips in the laundromat than you may be imagining.

Evan arrives at the pub to thank Tadhg for his help with Fia last night, and assures him and Frances that he’s taken steps to ensure Pól will stay away from her from now on. Frances, in wise teapot mode, says she doesn’t think fighting is the way to solve such problems, gesturing at Evan’s knuckles, which still have blood dripping off them for some reason. Does he have some kind of clotting disorder we don’t know about? He leaves, and then Tadhg announces that he’s going out for a walk to “get some feeling back in his legs.” I might have said “to get some fresh air,” but OK. Frances looks skeptical, but after years of being around Tadhg and Áine, she’s learned it’s best not to ask too many questions.

At Maggie’s, she’s cleaning the blood off Pól’s face, continuing today’s hematological theme. The topic of Áine taking Maggie’s inhaler comes up, and he amusingly notes that she’s a little crook, which is the most insightful thing he’s ever said. Before long he storms out for no particular reason, and I’m not sure what’s up with Maggie deciding to be his fairy godmother all of a sudden, but the important thing is THERE IS NO WAY THIS WILL END BADLY FOR HER.

Pádraig returns to Gaudi just as Adam is hugging his date goodbye, and as a prominent homosexual I can assure you this means it wasn’t a good match, because among our people a first date is considered a failure if it doesn’t end with somebody dancing on a box and wearing a harness. Pádraig is touched to realize that Adam offered to swap shirts with him even though it meant he went on a first date covered in grey vomit, but Adam replies that it’s no big deal, because the guy was only OK-ish anyway. For no particular reason the conversation turns to how much Adam cares for Liam Óg (??), and Pádraig assures him that he’ll be a great dad when he has kids of his own, and adds that the man who ends up with him will be a lucky guy. As much as I like the way he’s taken Adam under his wing, and that they seem to be friends now after all they’ve been through, this all feels a little bit forced, but I’m sure it will lead to a comic misunderstanding involving self-appointed spiritual leader of the gays Bobbi-Lee, so I’ll allow it. Meanwhile, Berni arrives at the restaurant and finds that the important task Bobbi-Lee has assigned to Briain is … following her around carrying her purse. Heh. She explains that he’s also helping her set up her music equipment in Galway due to the chronic back pain she’s just made up, and I will let you write your own mike stand joke.

Tadhg is at Maggie’s, AGAIN, and he tells her that even though Frances is a good mother and a loyal wife, it broke his heart to see Maggie leave without him this morning. She stops him and says that Áine needs her dad, and that she isn’t willing to stand in the way of his duties, but that they can still be friends. He claims that Frances “wouldn’t understand that,” even though she’s been perfectly capable of comprehending that difficult concept up until this point, which of course actually means he doesn’t want to be just friends. She tells him they’re not hurting anyone, and he agrees because it supports the story he’s telling himself, but I am dubious. We need a famous journalist to investigate this, but one who’s not afraid to make grammatical and factual errors along the way.

Evan, who twelve hours later is still bleeding and has also not washed his hands, has finally agreed to let Máire dab the blood off. She tut-tuts that he’s going to catch something called Weil’s disease, which you get when rats urinate into your open wound, and it’s probably better not to wonder why she knows this. Before he gets a chance to assure her that he made the rats piss on his other hand, Fia pops in, sees what’s going on, and immediately realizes he’s punched Pól. We expect the fight to be on between these two once again, but instead she calmly sticks up for Pól, stupidly noting that if it weren’t for him, she’d still be lying on the floor at the squat. I suspect she would’ve regained consciousness by this point, but the important thing is that Máire points out that this is a really dumb thing to say, because if it weren’t for Pól, she wouldn’t have been there in the first place. This starts up the fight we expected earlier, and Máire says she can’t deal with this shite anymore and that they’ve got to get Fia’s mother involved. Fia proclaims that Máire is not allowed to call Vanessa, and as if she were standing on the other side of the door waiting for the most devastating possible moment to show herself, Vanessa bursts in! Ooh, Fia: you in danger, girl.