Bobbi-Lee's Day Off

Season 22, Episode 20

First aired 9 November 2017

Everything you watch on the TG4 Player now begins with an advert in which a terrifying robot elf whose face has melted off screams at you, sends you on an LSD trip, and then offers to sell you an eir prepaid phone that only shows Keeping up with the Kardashians. Jesus, I forgot what I was even trying to watch after sitting through that nightmare.

Anyway, it seems what I was trying to watch was Ros na Rún, which opens with Bobbi-Lee making a big production out of sneaking out of Briain’s bedroom in her sexy nightie as loudly and disruptively as possible, shouting that it’s OK because they won’t get caught. Of course Berni is standing right there, as Bobbi-Lee knows full well or she wouldn’t be doing it. She turns in an Oscar-worthy performance of “Oh, Berni! I didn’t see you there!”, combined with, “Umm, yes, I was coming out of Briain’s bedroom and might be pregnant now.” Berni falls for this and swallows her tongue, and it seems it’s going to be One Of Those Days here at Thelma and Louise’s house.

Vanessa enters the kitchen at the B&B, where Fia is sitting at the table regretting her life choices, such as having Vanessa for a mother and letting Vanessa find out she is still alive. Vanessa says she’s off to visit Peadar’s grave and asks her to go with her as a fun mother-daughter activity, but Fia replies she’s got far too much to do right now, such as finding out when Vanessa is going back to Australia and calling the airline to ask if there’s an earlier flight. She says she’s tired of having Evan and Máire ganging up on her and the last thing she needs is Vanessa joining in, too, but Vanessa replies that they’ve got good reason to worry about her, what with the drugs and head injuries and slapping old ladies. Fia swears she’s done with drugs, though not necessarily with slapping Máire, and adds, “Well, you’d best be getting back to as far away as possible from here because Niall will be theoretically missing you,” and Vanessa’s like, “No, he won’t, because he’s here!” She then clarifies that he’s actually in Donegal visiting his family, but by this time Fia has already had about eleven heart attacks and wondered if you can get high by smoking a Brigid’s cross. Just then Liam Óg starts crying, so Fia excuses herself to go make his breakfast, by which she means “throw up in the sink and then look at a map to find out where Donegal is.”

Berni has declared today Mandatory Cleaning Death March Day at her place, which means her eyes are glazed over and crazed, even by her standards. Bobbi-Lee, of course, believes in matching your outfit to the type of activity you are pretending to do, and has put on a flannel shirt and tied a kerchief around her head like Rosie the Riveter. She starts rattling off a list of excuses of why she can’t pitch in, such as “global warming” and “Bob Geldof,” but Berni slaps a pair of rubber gloves on her and tells her to start cleaning. At this point her argument basically changes to “no hablo inglés” and she wanders off, ostensibly to pick up food for them, which of course means she’s never coming back. Berni is pooed off, and then really loses it when Briain walks in because she’s still upset about seeing Bobbi-Lee coming out of his bedroom this morning. Fortunately the show only lets this misunderstanding go on for about 15 seconds as opposed to, say, EastEnders, which would drag it out for 4 months and then bring it to a head during a blimp crash on Christmas. It turns out Bobbi-Lee was trying to sneak Briain out of the flat before Berni’s cleaning rampage started in a sort of reverse Berlin Airlift. Briain rhetorically asks her why it would bother her to think something might be going on between him and Bobbi-Lee, so Berni makes up some seafóid about not wanting any morally questionable shenanigans going on under her roof, and he looks at her seductively before wandering away to polish the milk and wax the toilet paper.

Bobbi-Lee has fled to the shop, where Pádraig and Máire stop her to tell her how old she is and how bet down she looks, which is ridiculous, because the bandanna (which Máire calls a “shawl”), messy ponytail, and plaid flannel shirt actually look fab on her. Máire leaves and Adam arrives, here to return Pádraig’s shirt from last episode’s switcheroo, which he has cleaned and, for some reason, put in a gift bag, as if it’s Pádraig’s bar mitzvah all of a sudden. Of course Bobbi-Lee sees and overhears this, and when Pádraig leaves, she zips over to Adam and starts asking why the two of them are trading shirts and when the wedding is going to be and which one of them is “the woman,” because as self-proclaimed Queen of the Gays, she knows this is a question we love being asked. Instead of telling the truth and putting a quick end to this, he’s evasive and suspicious-acting, and then reports the admittedly odd things Pádraig said to him yesterday about how any man would be lucky to have Adam and his babies. Bobbi-Lee, being the poster girl for “Give Her an Inch and She’ll Take a Mile,” grabs this and runs with it, telling Adam that Pádraig is obviously in love with him and announcing that she has officially commandeered their lives and will now be making all their decisions for them.

At the community center, Labhrás gives Frances a rare compliment by oohing and ahhing about how she’s got everything set up for the radio station manager interviews. “Got everything set up” in this case means “set out a couple of bottles of water, a biro, and a copy of Téann Bran go dtí an stáisiún raidió.” Muireann shows up and there’s the usual, and then we pan over to Evan and Fia, and there’s the usual with them, too, in that they’re fighting. Fia says she can’t have Niall seeing Liam Óg, and Evan retorts that it’ll be hard for Niall to see him when she’s always dumped him at the crèche or IKEA play area. Heh. She looks sad and asks him what she should do, and he helpfully responds, “Sort yourself out and stop feeling sorry for yourself,” like an asshole.

Vanessa runs into Máire in the street and they have a conversation about what an ungrateful little brat Fia is. Vanessa says she tried to talk to Fia earlier but it was pointless because she doesn’t want her there, so Máire responds that their only choice is to gang up on Fia and hound her mercilessly until she jumps off a building. That last part is implied. Vanessa then decides it would be helpful to announce that things never would’ve gotten so bad if Máire had called her sooner, so Máire is basically like “Excuse me? Slow your roll, heffa!” and looks like she’s about to slap the taste out of this blow-in’s mouth. They bicker for a bit, and then Vanessa stomps off, and honestly, the only way Fia is going to survive this is if she can get Máire and Vanessa to turn on each other, so this is a step in the right direction.

At the squat, where Maggie seems to have taken up residence, she’s watching Pól shove an entire potato in his mouth at once and then sagely says, “You’re hungry.” It’s like she’s psychic. Also, I love it when Pól reminds us he’s a Dickensian orphan, like last season at Crazy Jackie’s house when he shoved an entire sandwich in his mouth at once and then poisoned the dog. She asks if he’s been in touch with Fia, and he says no, because her family be crazy and so on, and she replies that Fia is his friend and that he should make an effort to patch things up between them. Once Evan and Máire find out about this, they’ll murder Maggie, and then Frances won’t have to.

Adam and Bobbi-Lee are enjoying a cup of tea at Gaudi, by which I mean he’s wishing he’d never been born while she’s leering at Pádraig and claiming to be an expert in interpreting body language. For example, one time she was able to sense that Andy was upset with her just because of the way he was choking her. Adam thinks the age gap between him and Pádraig might be a problem, but of course Bobbi-Lee’s philosophy when it comes to relationships is that age is nothing but a number, and if there’s one thing she doesn’t concern herself with, it’s numbers. She explains that next Pádraig will be making up excuses to spend time with him, and then starts on about “this young stud Briain” who’s after her at the moment, but sadly Pádraig stops by just then, so we don’t get to see her describe Briain to Adam using obscene hand gestures. Pádraig calls Adam his hero and touches him excessively before leaving, which gives Bobbi-Lee more ammunition to mess with Adam’s head, which is of course about three-quarters of a mess even at the best of times. Before she can get out a piece of paper and draw Adam a diagram of what’s likely to happen next, though, Berni shows up and does her “There you are!” routine, and for some reason doesn’t believe Bobbi-Lee’s excuses about how she was out buying cleaning supplies when Adam here broke his leg homosexually and she needed to do CPR. Just as Berni is about to start screaming, Vanessa shows up, and they hug each other and laugh and cry and learn lessons and so on.

There’s radio stuff which involves Labhrás deciding to apply for the job of station manager because Muireann told him to, and Micheál telling him how surprising it is, what with his being extremely old. Muireann, who is sitting at the next table over because this is none of her business, keeps answering the questions on Labhrás’ behalf, and I swear she’s going to pull off her wig and reveal herself to be Vladimir Putin. Meanwhile, at a nearby table, Fia is actually working on her CV after pretending to do so for the past 3 weeks, and her opening sentence is, “I am an energetic person who is motivated to work hard.” Next she should put in something about how she likes to subvert the dominant paradigm. Her phone rings, and it’s Pól, and we hope she’s also energetically motivated to ignore him hard.

After the break, during which we’re terrified the eir robot elf will return and scream “IT’S CHRISTMAS! DESTROY!! DESTROY!!!” some more, Berni and Vanessa are complaining about how difficult their out-of-control 25-year-old teenagers are. For example, Fia had a baby by her mother’s boyfriend and left it on a doorstep on Christmas Eve and is now an alcoholic, and Evan leaves his dirty clothes on the floor. Berni says that Máire has worked her arse off to help Fia and Liam Óg, and that Fia has been a complete bitch about it, which really throws gas on Vanessa’s fire. Saint Berni, once again doing whatever she can to really stick it to Fia.

Bobbi-Lee has been extradited to Berni’s and has had one of those house-arrest bracelets put on her ankle so she can’t leave again. Briain is cleaning, and she’s standing around looking through her CDs for the perfect cleaning music. He complains about her not doing anything, and she explains that dust is falling off the CDs while she’s flipping through them, so he should shut up, and also take his pants off. Eventually she decides she’s going to help by bending over and looking for a lot of things in the bottom cupboards, rubbing her butt against his crotch in the process, and then she decides the paper towels must be under his shirt and so she goes looking for them there. He doesn’t seem interested and wanders off, so she turns her boobs up to 11 and then has the brilliant idea of strewing her bras everywhere so the house looks like a Victoria’s Secret that exploded.

Fia has agreed to meet Pól at the pub for some stupid reason, and he wonders if it’s a setup, given that everybody who could possibly show up there hates him and wants to kill him. They start a big fight over nothing, and eventually she tells him to stay away from her, and he tells her to go to hell, because he has plenty of other friends anyway. Yes, the Contacts list in his phone consists of Jim Beam, Jack Daniels, Captain Morgan, a bunch of girls named Mary Jane, and Maggie. Vanessa shows up and then all three of them have a big fight, which culminates in Fia telling her she can explain everything, and Vanessa pointing out that she hasn’t bothered explaining one damn thing the whole time she’s been there and then storming out.

Back at Knickersplosion, there are bras as far as the eye can see, and Berni’s not happy about it. She’s just jealous because Bobbi-Lee buys her knickers from Frederick’s of Hollywood and she buys her own at Tesco. Briain enters, having slashed his way through the lingerie jungle with his machete, and when Bobbi-Lee offers to model a black-and-pink lace number for him, Berni calls her deranged and throws her out. She goes, and then Berni tells Briain that Bobbi-Lee has no shame, as if this is news to anyone, and he replies that it doesn’t bother him, because he prefers older women. It seems he’s especially into older women who can disapprovingly purse their lips so hard it would suck the stripes off a flag. He leans in so close Berni’s head disappears into the cleft in his chin, which causes her to panic and tell him he can leave, too. He does, and because I am a gentleman, I will not tell you about all the broom handle-gripping going on in this scene.

Bobbi-Lee finds Evan at the pub, and it turns out he lied about having lectures all day to get out of cleaning. Finally, Evan does something we can get behind. We cut to Maggie’s, where Pól has arrived with a delivery of turf, which is apparently a thing you burn in a fireplace for warmth. He complains about what a wagon Fia is, and then goes to lay a fire for Maggie while she puts the kettle on. Can we get back to Pádraig and Adam looking confusingly at each other, please?

Back at the pub, Gráinne calls Bobbi-Lee an alcoholic and Mo adds that she looks a mess, too. They seem not to know what to do with Bobbi-Lee when she’s not dressed as if she’s doing the topless rumba on Strictly. She tells them she’s interested in Briain but he’s playing hard to get, so Mo tells her she should put the moves on him. She seems to think this is genuinely good advice rather than just wanting to stir up trouble and then watch what happens, though it could be that she’s just trying to pass the time till her shift ends. Bobbi-Lee goes over and asks Briain out on a date, and when he seems to not know what this word means, she grabs his face and plants an enormous kiss on him. He pushes her away and makes it clear he’s not interested, so she says in English, “Your loss, honey!” and storms off, clearly angry and hurt.

Elsewhere, Pádraig is complaining to Adam about how difficult the erotic cakes business is without Máire helping out—she’s the one who really knows how to make nipples out of Smarties—and it suddenly occurs to him that it would really help him out if Adam came to work in Gaudi. I like how all the local businesses have unlimited numbers of hours available at all times for anyone who wants to work, except when it was David who was looking for a job, at which point there was suddenly a recession. This offer causes Adam ambiguous feelings, because it’s exactly what Bobbi-Lee predicted would happen, and he’s not sure how he feels about this prophecy coming true, partly because it puts him in a weird situation and partly because it's always unnerving when Bobbi-Lee is right about something.

Bobbi-Lee slams her way into the house and starts a fight with Berni, which of course isn’t hard to do. Swigging wine straight out of the bottle, she explains that Briain rejected her after she stuck her tongue down his throat, and announces that he’s a brat who enjoyed leading her on and then making a fool out of her. I’ve never seen any evidence that Briain is capable of this level of abstract thought, but OK. Berni asks if she thinks Briain plays games with women, and she spits “Obviously!” before staggering off down the hall to play the Dixie Chicks’ “Goodbye Earl” at top volume all night.

Vanessa returns to the B&B, and Máire greets her with a stare so frosty that ice crystals form in her nostrils. Vanessa says she caught Fia with Pól, and admits that it’s not as easy to keep her under control as she thought. She apologizes for what she said earlier, and they agree that Fia is a nightmare, but that the important thing is that they are both total victims here.

As Briain returns home, Berni tells him that Bobbi-Lee is hiding in her room. That’s why she’s written “NO BOYZ ALLOWT” in crayon on the door. She asks him why he messed around with Bobbi-Lee if he had no interest in her, and he exclaims that he doesn’t know where Bobbi-Lee gets these crazy ideas, because there’s only one woman here he’s interested in, and it’s Maggie. Sorry, I mean, “it’s Berni.” She looks panicky, and reminds him that he’s only 24, and she is 44 or 74 or however old she’s supposed to be, and also isn’t interested in him. He grabs her wrist meaningfully and she shrugs him off, so he tells her she can remain in denial, but they both know how she really feels.

Vanessa has decided it’s time for a come-to-Jesus meeting with Fia, so she asks her what the hell is going on here. She points out that first she was with Liam Óg’s alleged father Danny, a.k.a. Ganja, who was a druggie, and now she’s hanging around with Pól, who’s also a druggie, and there seems to be a recurring theme here, which is that Fia should try being a lesbian so at least she won’t get pregnant again. Furthermore, she demands to know where Liam Óg was today while Fia was out swanning around with Pól, as if she found him in a mailbox or something, and Fia counters that she left him in the crÁeche, actually, while she was working on her CV, which she happens to be carrying around. Vanessa says “CV” as if it’s “herpes” and then says she wishes she could believe what she’s hearing, as if what she’s holding may be a hologram, but concludes that she can’t leave Fia unattended with Máire as long as she’s behaving this way. She’ll just have to cancel her visit to Donegal to see Niall and his family, and if Fia doesn’t shape up, Niall will just have to come stay here! Well, on the plus side, Niall will give Tadhg a new Donegal accent to make fun of.