Home Is Where The Hate Is

Season 22, Episode 62

First aired 5 April 2018

It’s morning at the pub, and Katy apologizes to Tadhg for the fact that Jay was so noisy last night, what with his teething and trying to teach himself “Smoke on the Water” on the guitar and so on. Tadhg says Jay is just like his mother, who also never shuts up, but then tells Katy she and Jason are welcome to stay at the pub as long as they want. After all, he says, it’s Jay’s home. Cuán is on his own, I guess. She thanks him and, as she’s going out for a walk, tells him that Jason is having a lie-in, because radiating omnidirectional anger at all times is exhausting. Tadhg replies that she’s clearly spoiled Jason, causing her to look sadly into the middle distance, which is her new favorite hobby.

Across town, we have our first-ever sighting of David and Gráinne’s bedroom, which has fewer crystals and karate trophies than we would’ve imagined, but exactly as many whips and ball gags. She says maybe Pádraig has forgotten about that “swapping bedrooms” arrangement we first heard about last episode, and just as David is weakly agreeing, Pádraig arrives to wish them a happy Get The Hell Out Of My New Bedroom Day. Because he is a great humanitarian, and because he’s still busy burying Sonia’s body under the floor of his old bedroom, he gives them till the end of the week to get lost, at which point Gráinne prods David into offering an extra €50 per week, month, or year to let them keep the big bedroom. Pádraig considers this for half a millisecond before replying that naah, they’ll stick to the original agreement, and when she starts fussing that they’ll never fit all their crap in the smaller room, he brightly explains that this is a great opportunity for her to throw out all the old junk she no longer needs. It’s nice that he doesn’t add “such as David” even though we all know that’s what he means. He disappears down the hall to start taking all his Daniel Craig and David Beckham posters down, at which point Gráinne informs David that there’s no way in hell she’s moving into that small bedroom, and the look in her eyes suggests that Sonia may not be the only one buried under Pádraig’s floor by the end of this episode.

Meanwhile, Fia is standing in the soy milk, motor oil, and antacid aisle of the shop with her phone on a selfie stick, ordering her viewers to “stay fierce” while flashing gang signs at them. It’s all fun and games until Fia gets kidnapped by the Bloods. She explains to Mack that she’s recording content for her “channel,” which has fewer viewers than NickToons Junior Plus, but more than RTÉ2. He offers himself up as eye candy to compete with Irial the weather guy from TG4, but she doesn’t think that will be necessary unless Micheál doesn’t work out as the host of her new show, The Stubbly Hunk Beefcake Hour. Before he can ask her to feel his bicep, however, Katy arrives, which leads Mack to point out that Tigh Thaidhg is going to be a lot livelier now that everybody is coming back home. I’m not sure how much entertainment value Katy ever added to the pub, but Fia’s antics certainly gave us some chuckles. He hopes that his BFF Niall will be back for a visit soon, too, which causes Fia to suddenly remember that she’s late for her diarrhea appointment back home and make a quick exit. As soon as she leaves, Katy hisses at him to leave Fia alone, but he says that Niall’s got a right to know that his son and babymama are back in town, and that he might have to be the one to relay that news if Fia doesn’t do it. I’m not sure why he assumes that Niall isn’t a regular viewer of FierceTeilifïs.co.gov.ie, but OK.

Across town, Mo is on a passive-aggressive hunger strike in protest of the affair Colm and Úna aren’t having. Gráinne arrives for a visit and gets caught in the crossfire just as Mo is spraying the room with a salvo of snark, so Colm flees and Mo starts fuming that she doesn’t like how palsy-walsy, chummy-wummy, and sexy-wexy he and Úna are lately. Gráinne, who’s aggressively aromatherapy-ing her by waving eau de seaweed in her face, declares this complete seafóid, because everyone knows Colm is crazy about Mo. Yeah, when was the last time he got Úna kidnapped and almost shot? Anyway, Mo narrows her eyes because she’s unconvinced, which hopefully means she’s going to track down Colm’s father and sleep with him to get even.

Back at the shop, Bobbi-Lee begs Frances to cover for her at the pub because she’s broken a tooth and needs to make an emergency trip to the dentist and she’s the only one who works there now. I guess Annette died off-camera. Frances is understandably reluctant for a variety of reasons, but she knows Bobbi-Lee’s acting skills are not good enough to fake the kind of agony she’s displaying, so she grudgingly agrees. We pan across to Colm, who is of course talking to Úna, who is apparently the only one who can understand his hilarious accent these days. It’s like how only some people can understand Stewie on Family Guy. She reports that she requested her transfer to a non-Aidan police division, which he thinks is go maith, but that it will take “at least a year” for it to go through (?!?), which he thinks is go dona. I bet they’d expedite that paperwork if they knew Aidan had been sleeping with one (or more) of his employees all this time.

Caitríona arrives at Gaudi, spots Fia, and starts flashing “Stay fierce!” gang signs at her. Fia is the only person in the world to be surprised that Caitríona knows about this, because the rest of us know that whenever there’s a bandwagon to be jumped on, Caitríona will be nearby shouting at Vince to give her a boost up. She claims she’s been looking for a “social influencer” to do online reviews of the tat she sells at Loinnir, and Fia thinks this sounds iontach. Ooh, I can’t wait till next episode when Caitríona gets mad at the bad review Fia gives her shampoo just because it made all her hair fall out. Mack comes over and says he wants to talk to Fia about Niall, but she claims that she’s got a lot of nothing to do somewhere else and doesn’t have time for him before packing her stuff up and walking away. This gives Laoise, who’s been sitting around looking for someone she can bitch about Fia to, the chance to tell Mack what a little ingrate she is and how she’s a ruining ruiner who ruins everything, EVERYTHING! Of course Mack barely knows who Laoise is, but tells her that his friend has the right to know his own son is back in the country, hmph!

Katy returns to the pub pushing one or more children in a stroller and tries to make conversation with Jason, who gives her the silent treatment and only looks up from his phone long enough to roll his eyes and sneer at her. He’s acting like a 13-year-old who needs to be slapped ‘round the earhole and sent to his room. She stands there staring at him for about 26 minutes until she finally asks him to put his phone down and listen to her. He rolls his eyes and sighs heavily a lot and when she asks him what’s bothering him, he’s basically like “I hate you and I hate this school and I can’t wait till I’m old enough to get my own flat!” and storms off. Tadhg, meanwhile, has been standing in the doorway eavesdropping on all this, using the powers of invisibility you may recall he developed last episode, and may be reordering Jason and Eoin on the “Good Son” list in his head yet again.

At the bar at Gaudi, Dee leans over and looks at what Gráinne’s doing on her phone even though the two of them do not appear to be there together, which is awfully presumptuous, even by Dee’s standards. What if Gráinne had been looking at porn? It turns out she’s looking at pictures of houses to rent, so Dee asks if they’re moving, to which she whispers “maybe” and shushes her as Pádraig wanders through. He’s carrying a book of wallpaper, upholstery, or carpet samples and asks which of these two colors Gráinne likes better for his new room, one of which is OF COURSE Hideous Puce, the official room color of Ros na Rún. David arrives just as a customer calls Pádraig away to show him the seagull foot she just found in her baked potato or whatever, so Gráinne tells him she’s got a brilliant plan to avoid having to move into the other room, which is to move into a different house. He’s concerned about Pádraig, but her “Eff Pádraig” platform seems to be enough to sway his opinion and he agrees to go see the place with her tonight.

Mo pops into the pub for a cup of coffee and is surprised to find Frances behind the bar until she remembers that Bobbi-Lee won the gold medal in skiving at the 2000, 2004, and 2012 Olympics. She would’ve won in 2008 as well, but she called in sick. Frances mentions that she ran into Colm and Úna in the shop earlier, so Mo decides to go off and have a strop about it elsewhere. Tadhg materializes and gives Frances a “WTF?” face, and after he rejects her attempts to have a reasonable conversation like grown-ups, she grabs her coat and her purse, which is the size of her torso, and leaves him there to run the place himself. This is when we really need one of Mack and Peatsaí’s bus tours to pull up, the ones where they drive 60 Japanese tourists around Spiddal and tell them it’s London and also Paris.

Fia returns to Gaudi, where she finds Adam resplendent in layer after layer of plaid. She’ll have to make it quick, because he’s clearly here to meet the man he’s been chatting up on Lumberjack Grindr. He tries to tell her how much he hates tuning pianos or whatever it is they do at Keane’s, but she’s not listening and finally admits that she’s distracted over the ongoing Niall issue. Adam agrees that it’s quite a dilemma, because on one hand having Niall around makes Fia drink a lot and slap Máire, which he knows is a bad thing though he’s not quite sure why, but on the other hand, Niall is DILFy and improves the local scenery, which he is in favor of. I’m paraphrasing. They conclude that the only sensible solution is to ignore the problem and hope it goes away, demonstrating once again that they are truly the Bonnie & Clyde of Ros na Rún.

Out in the street, I WALK PAST IN THE BACKGROUND just as Colm and Úna start arguing for the millionth time about how she crashed a police helicopter into a Burger King or whatever. If the camera had just followed me for a few seconds more, you could’ve seen me slipping on a patch of ice and nearly busting my ass. Mo walks up and spots them just as he puts his hands on Úna’s shoulders for no particular reason, so she decides now is the time to go confront them about the affair they’re not having and yell about what shameless hussies they are. Wait till they find the video of Briain having sex with Úna in that police copter just before it crashed into Burger King!

After the break, the Daly sisters are having lunch at Gaudi because they semi-like each other now. Dee postulates that Jason must be enjoying being back in Ros na Rún, because she doesn’t know Jason well enough to know that he doesn’t enjoy anything ever, and Katy replies evasively that things will be better once they’ve moved out of the pub because Tadhg is difficult. I’m pretty sure Tadhg is not the main problem here, but OK. Dee then proclaims that if they’re looking for a place to live they’d better get moving, because Ros na Rún is an extremely hot real estate market ever since oil was found in the water supply AND she has inside information that David and Gráinne are house-hunting. Overhearing this causes a nearby Pádraig to stop looking for the cufflink he lost in someone’s food and go into a snit, or possibly a huff. It’s a fine line.

Mo, Úna, and Colm arrive at the café, and it’s clear that they’ve told her the entire Aidan story since we last saw them. Once again we appreciate this show for settling a tepid storyline during a commercial break that EastEnders would’ve dragged out for 11 months, killing off at least one Slater sister in the process. They tell her Aidan is going to tell Leo Varadkar about how Úna fabricated evidence or something and that it will ruin her, and apologize for sneaking around suspiciously in a way that stressed Mo out much more than telling her the truth would’ve. This never would’ve happened if Mo were still with Dull Tony, or that other cop who looks like Jason Statham and who keeps coming to frisk Pádraig.

Elsewhere, an estate agent is showing David and Gráinne around a house, flat, or camper van. We can only see one room, so we have no way of knowing. Anyway, Gráinne is very enthusiastic about the fact that it has a floor, which is very on trend nowadays, but David shoos away the estate agent, who is possibly also in a Ramones tribute band, and hisses to Gráinne that he hates the place. He can’t believe it’s the same place from the pictures, because not only did it look much bigger on her phone, but it was also filled with colorful falling sweets. It’s possible he accidentally swiped over to Candy Crush while he was looking at the photos.

Back at the café, Colm has left to attend to an accounting emergency at the Hall of Numbers. Mo’s fretting that she’s ruined everything with him, what with her suspicious mind and cancer and all, but Úna assures her that Colm is very understanding and also a true gentleman, which is why she’s been trying to sleep with him ever since she came back to town. That last part is implied. Mo changes the subject to what Úna’s going to do about Aidan and the stolen police boat or whatever, and asks if she’s spoken to O’Shea about it. Úna reminds her that she and O’Shea hate each other apparently, and that she’d have better luck asking Liam Óg for help. Well, Úna, if it makes you feel any better, O’Shea is terrible at her job, so she probably wouldn’t be useful to you even if you two were on speaking terms.

Back at the Casa de Beige, Gráinne is enthusing about the fact that the bathtub is big enough for two, but David is concerned because when he turned on the tap a swarm of bees flew out and chased him down the hall. He finally gives in, unsurprisingly, and says that on the bright side, they’ll be able to save money since the place is so small. Before Gráinne can pull out the hand puppets she keeps in her purse to explain difficult situations to him, they’re interrupted by a lengthy phone call from Pádraig, which basically boils down to, “I don’t care if you move out, so nyaaaah.” Well, that makes things easier. Chrissie Hynde returns and they tell her they’ll take the place, but David freaks out when he discovers the rent is €900 per month, every month, because apparently it never occurred to him to ask Gráinne how much it cost before they went, or to LOOK AT THE NUMBERS when he was studying the listing on her phone. Apparently he was absent the day they learned about rent at priest school and also skipped that section of his “So You Want To Be A Postman” pamphlet.

At Gaudi, O’Shea has taken a break from arresting Adam to have some lunch. She asks nearby Mo how she’s doing, and kindly offers her assistance if there’s anything she can do. Unfortunately for her, Mo interprets this meaningless nicety as an actual offer to do something and starts telling her the story about Úna. This is why you should never express interest in anyone, ever.

Over at the pub, Laoise has called to order a meeting of the We Hate Fia Society, which so far only consists of her and Mack, with Caitríona and Bobbi-Lee as associate members because they are unfortunate enough to be seated at the same table. Everyone knows Laoise hates Fia because Laoise hates everyone and is a total wagon now, but Bobbi-Lee asks Mack what his problem with Fia is, causing him to launch into the story about Niall again. Laoise interrupts to snot that she can’t belieeeeeve he’s still carrying on about that old thing when everyone knows the real issue here is that Fia is younger and nicer and getting all the attention and it’s making her jealous. Meanwhile, Bobbi-Lee’s expert opinion on this delicate child custody issue is that Niall should come back because this town is seriously lacking in hot men she hasn’t completely alienated yet. Everyone takes a brilliant beat as they let that disappear into the ether, and then Caitríona tells Mack he needs to stay out of all this. He proclaims that he’d want to know if his son were back in Ros na Rún after being out of the country, har har, and then whips out his phone and starts scrolling through his Contacts looking for Niall. It’s going to take a while because he’s forgotten that he’s entered him as an aubergine emoji for some reason rather than as “Niall.”

Back at Gaudi, O’Shea tells Mo that this story about Úna and the stolen Bengal tiger or whatever is very interesting, but that she’s not able to help her, so: sorry, not sorry. We then cut quickly to the pub kitchen, where Tadhg walks in and comments that he can’t believe Jason has been glued to his phone all day like a child. Jason throws another teenage strop, all “Shut up!” and “You can’t tell me what to do!” and “You’re not my dad!” and so on, but sadly, before Tadhg can backhand him down the stairs, Katy arrives, having put the children to sleep in the car she’s left in a ditch down by the Texaco. Tadhg flees so the young lovebirds can pick another fight with each other, this time over the exact definition of the word “soon,” as in “Let’s find a place to live soon” or “Let’s break up soon.” Jason quickly storms out in a strop again, and we expect to hear him running down the hall, slamming the door, and blasting Def Leppard.

Mo arrives home and corners Colm in the kitchen, explaining sadly that since she’s been sick, she’s been pushing everyone she loves away from her, especially him. She apologizes that she let her imagination run wild, but she knows now that he loves her and will never leave her unless he gets in a contract dispute of some kind or Maggie’s younger, sexier sister comes to town. They flirt vaguely with each other, and he vows that the two of them are going to fight this illness together. They hug, and it’s a nice scene, but a bit of a “meh” ending. A better ending to the episode would’ve been David being chased down the street by that swarm of bees.